Little Butterflies
by the savage barbie
Summary: After flunking out of college, Emily immediately comes clean with her mother and returns to Rosewood to figure out her life. — Emily x Alison, Emily x Mona. AU. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: **Some Quick Facts About This Fic:  
** **Chapters:** 7  
 **Pairing(s):** Emily x Alison, Emily x Mona.  
 **Rated:** T for sexual themes, mild language and violent references.  
 **Notes:** I love Emison, I love Mona, I love love triangles and that's why this started as a oneshot and then got wildly out of hand.

* * *

 **LITTLE BUTTERFLIES**

* * *

 _And they go, 'Well you know if you want to talk about it  
I'll be here you know and you'll probably feel a lot better  
If you talked about it, so why don't you talk about it'  
I go, 'No, I don't want to; I'm okay. I'll figure it out myself'  
_ _"_ _Institutionalized" — Suicidal Tendencies_

* * *

 **I**

* * *

Emily does not know how she got onto the airplane.

She remembers making the plans, her mother's pain and empathy when she explained the situation, and somehow getting through security and to the proper terminal. Yet, it all seemed like such a blur that she sits in stunned silence, her jacket folded neatly on her lap and her sunglasses balancing neatly atop her raven hair.

"Are you okay, miss?" asks the sweet slender flight attendant with the subtle southern twang in her voice. "You don't look alright."

Emily swallows any honest words and politely replies, "Yeah. Just tired. Thank you."

As the woman strides away, Emily wonders how the pain and disorientation could be so blatantly written on her face. She always thought she was far more fluent at concealing the chaos in her mind.

She listens to music for the duration of the flight.

When her mom picks her up, Emily gazes out of the car window and studies the falling orange autumn leaves. Most of the quaint Rosewood houses are adorned with Halloween decorations. Emily's eyes mist at the familiar sights she thought she had escaped three years ago.

At home, Emily strides past a skeleton and a ghost, lugging her bag into the house. Her mom shuts the door and empathetically frowns at her daughter. It makes Emily's skin crawl.

"I'm okay," insists Emily, but her mom pulls her into an embrace as tight as when she escaped the dollhouse. "Really."

"You're not," her mom insists. "You're not okay, but you're going to get better."

After that, they barely exchange a word. Pam seems uncomfortable and Emily will not push it. She just gazes at the raindrops racing each other down the car window.

At home, Emily immediately goes to sleep.

[X]

For two weeks, Emily lies in bed and barely moves. She is weak from pain and hunger but cannot bring herself to eat unless her mom sets a snack or meal in front of her. All she can think about is being a failure, about her friends whose lives managed to improve, about what she could possibly say to Ali that would not be humiliating.

She hides her tears, hand pressed over her mouth, unwilling to make her mom worry.

Pam has been through enough.

[X]

On the first day of her third week back in Rosewood, Emily at last forces herself to get up and out of bed. After a few minutes of deep contemplation, she texts Alison and asks her to meet at the Brew. She does not want to be alone while she faces this shame head on. She gets dressed—trying on several different outfits—and then transfers all of her items from her old backpack into her purse.

She walks to the coffee shop and does not see Ali inside. But she _does_ see a person who makes her heart drop into her stomach.

Mona stands behind the counter, handing a drink to someone who might be her friend, and when she sees Emily holds up a to-go cup of something presumably suspect. Emily freezes in place at the sight of someone who could only make her feel worse about everything that happened.

"Do you want this?" offers Mona, with a strange smile. "It was left abandoned and lonely on the counter a minute ago and I'm not going to drink it. I don't do whipped cream."

Emily says smoothly, "Thank you for the offer, but I'm not really craving poison today."

Mona tilts her head to the side. Emily hates how those bright eyes vivisect her.

"You don't have to explain yourself," says the nightmare of a young woman.

Emily brusquely replies, "I didn't think I had to."

"Yes. You do. That's why you've been avoiding everyone's eyes since you walked in. You're afraid they'll ask you what happened at college." Silence. "I know the feeling."

Emily demands, "Why are _you_ here? Weren't you at Mt. Holyoke?"

"Was I?" Mona shrugs and sets down the unclaimed coffee. She picks up her slouch purse and strides out the door.

Emily never knows what to make of that girl. Finally, Ali shows up, a bit late, but gliding beautifully and swiftly on her high pale pink heels.

"I'm sorry I took so long," says Alison. "Chemistry class ran super late today. I still have _no clue_ why an aspiring English teacher needs to know Chemistry for her tests. Oh, and it starts at seven. I'm supposed to pay attention to the most _boring_ subject in the _universe_ starting at _seven_ …"

"Do you know what happened with Mona?" Emily inquires, attempting to sound casual.

Alison innocently asks, "Why? Was she bothering you?"

"Not… as much as she could've been. She just said something about…"

Ali nods and explains, "She dropped out of Mt. Holyoke and went back to living with her parents two yearsish ago. I think she dropped out of Hollis too. _Hollis_." Ali blanches. "You're—you're a different case, Em."

Emily bristles. "Yeah. I failed out of college. I didn't even have the dignity of dropping out."

"It isn't about dignity. College isn't for everyone," Alison states, and she _means it_.

"Tell that to the collective Instas of Spencer, Aria and Hanna." Emily suppresses a sigh of defeat.

"Nobody portrays their lives like they really are," Alison says, taking Emily's hand. It sends a volt of electricity through the latter girl's body. "Maybe you should delete that app for a while."

"Ali, I love you, but I don't need that advice. I can take care of myself."

"I want to take care of you. I can't help it," says Ali, squeezing Emily's hand.

They catch up over coffee while the sun reaches its apex over Rosewood.

[X]

The next day, Emily wakes up when her mom gets home from work. She slowly rises from her bed and slides her feet into panda slippers before padding down the stairs.

"Em," says her mom. "You're… in your pajamas."

"I just woke up," Emily admits, trying not to make eye contact. "I was awake thinking last night about finding something to do while I'm figuring things out. I thought maybe I could apply for my old job at the Brew. It would get me out of the house."

"If that's what you want," Pam states, but she clearly has reservations. Emily pretends not to notice them.

"I wasn't abducted or tortured or anything. Way worse things have happened to me; I just got bad grades and had to leave school. You can stop treating me like I'm made of glass," she says as kindly as she can manage.

Pam looks hurt and Emily's gut twists. "I don't mean to be. I'm just trying to be supportive."

"Right." Emily wraps her arms around herself. "I just don't want to think about this stuff, okay? I don't want to think about dad or school or the face of the college president when I filled out the paperwork or Paige or anything else, okay? I just want to pretend it never happened."

"Okay," says her mom, but Emily doubts she will drop it altogether.

No one will. It will surround her while she just tries to take time to figure things out.

For the entire afternoon, Emily stares at the walls of her room and tries to think. She slides her phone under her pillow and avoids looking at the happy, perfect lives of everyone else she knows. How did they all get over these years so easily?

She tries to remember the last time she truly was happy. She cannot. Maybe middle school, possibly freshman year.

Centuries have gone by since she genuinely smiled.

[X]

Two afternoons later, on a cold and cloudy day, Emily walks into the Brew in a professional but not _too_ professional outfit. She sees Mona leaning over the side of the counter and frowns. At first, she assumes she is being stalked, until she sees her taking the order of a middle-aged woman and typing it into the cash register.

After waiting her turn, Emily walks up to get her application. From the last person she wants to know about it. She _was_ expecting Ezra; she receives Mona.

"You work here?" asks Emily, unable to hide how bewildered she is.

"You're one to judge, seeing as you came in here to fill out an application." Pause. Mona rolls her eyes. "I was told to wait and give it to you when you showed up. You don't have to faint."

"I didn't…" Emily blushes and averts her eyes.

"Didn't mean it like that," Mona finishes, waving her hand dismissively.

Emily fumbles to try to explain herself. "You just have enough money to… not work here."

"I got a little stir-crazy." Mona hands Emily the application and hesitantly follows her across the room.

As politely as possible, Emily asks, "How long have you been in Rosewood?"

"I left Mt. Holyoke barely after freshman orientation ended. So, about two years," Mona recites, having said it a thousand frustrating times before.

"And Hollis?" Emily asks, subtly leaning forward.

"Too boring." Mona sighs and sits down across from Emily. " _Way_ too boring. I thought I'd claw my own face off with my nails if I had to study Shakespeare-for-babies one day longer. And I could do the math class with my eyes closed. Literally. I did."

"Yeah… it's not the pinnacle of education, I guess. Princeton would still have you, I'm sure. Or MIT or any of the other thousand schools you got into."

"Yes. They would. But I would not have them. This conversation is incredibly blasé. Do you have anything _interesting_ to talk about or should I go polish stainless steel?" Pause. "When did you and Paige break up? Did your life crumble all at once or was it a slow descent?" Pause. "Fine. I guess I won't pressure you. Are you stuck on the application?"

Emily ignores the cruel comments and sighs. "It wants to know if I've ever been arrested."

"Everyone in Rosewood knows your story and I honestly don't think anyone will care, especially not—"

Ezra interrupts from beside a bookshelf, "Emily?"

"Hi." She says, gracefully rising to her feet and letting him hug her.

"I was hoping I'd catch you," he says. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah. Why would it not be?"

"Because I know you had to come home from school and with the loss…" Ezra trails off, discouraged by the look in Emily's eyes.

"I'm fine," Emily says.

"That's good," he hastily replies.

When Emily looks over her shoulder, she sees Mona has vanished.

[X]

The loud bell tower ringtone of her phone wakes Emily in midmorning. She fumbles for it and answers the call. The Brew. Ezra wants to set up her first day and she says the earlier the better. Afterward, she hangs up and drags herself through a morning routine. Something has sapped away the energy that used to fill her.

When she tells her mom about the job, Pam frowns. Emily does not get it.

"You've had a very traumatic couple of years. Are you sure you want to dive into something so quickly?" asks her mom. Emily rubs her arm.

"I think I'll go crazy if I don't do something with my time, and I feel wrong about eating your food and living in your house."

"You're my _daughter_ ," Pam vehemently says. "You could never be a burden."

"I should be at college and I should be on my way to a real job and a real apartment of my own. Living at home is…" Emily begins to nervously scratch her elbow.

"Normal for someone your age," Pam says. "But if the job makes you happy, you should go ahead and try it."

Emily's phone rings and she gives her mom an apologetic expression before answering it.

It is Ali, a voice Emily feels less glad to hear than she thought she would be. Something about this girl, this girl she loves, is off now. Like the shame that flows through Emily's veins is more visible to her than to everyone else.

 _"_ _You alright?"_ asks the girl on the other line.

Emily strides outside and takes a breath.

"People seem to ask me that a lot now."

 _"_ _You just waited a long time to say hello, sweetie. That's all."_

"I didn't mean to jump down your throat. Things at home are just tense."

 _"_ _Why?"_

"I just actually miss my dorm room. It didn't have anything attached to it."

 _"_ _But it must be good to be with your mom. You two need each other right now."_

"I love her, but I think she's really scared of losing me right now and it's getting frustrating."

 _"_ _I also kind of get it. I don't talk to my dad anymore."_

"I'd never abandon my mom in a thousand years, but I need money for my own place."

 _"_ _That'll take a long time in Rosewood."_

"Then I guess I'll be an indentured servant for as long as I need to."

Alison politely laughs, but Emily can tell she pities her. Maybe it is not pity; maybe it is sympathy, but Emily does not want either.

 _"_ _How are you other than that?"_

"I got a job at the Brew. I start tomorrow."

 _"_ _That's exciting. I can visit you every day."_

"Yeah. I'm gonna go. I'll text you later," Emily says. Something twists in the pit of her stomach as Ali bids her goodbye and hangs up.

She sits down on her porch, still in her pajamas, and starts flipping through her phone. An Instagram feed of fashion, a few celebrities, and the joyous, normal, happy college lives of her best friends. Emily wonders if she will ever be able to talk to them again and at that moment closes the app. Promptly, she deletes it, then her Facebook app, and Snapchat and everything else that reminds her of what a failure she is.

Emily lifts her eyes from her phone and gazes at the town from which she ran across the country to escape.

She does not know if she will ever be free of Rosewood.

[X]

Emily wakes early for the first time since she left school and goes to work. She smooths her clothes and begins making fancy coffee drinks for the new generation of Rosewood teenagers. It makes her skin crawl to see them sitting, talking, grabbing drinks before school while they laugh about petty gossip. She wishes she could reminisce about high school, but it was worse than now.

A voice from behind interrupts her serene state of mind.

"You flunked out," bluntly remarks Mona, and it feels like a stab to the chest.

Emily ignores that sharp, sudden pain and says, "I was waiting for you to say that. How did you know?"

"Lucky guess," Mona replies. "Word hasn't traveled, if that makes you feel any better."

"Will it?"

"Yes. Not from me, probably, but it will." Mona takes a break in speaking to grind ice and make a frozen drink for a buxom brunette girl. When she stops, she calmly explains the obvious. "People talk. People talk about _you_."

"And just when I finally got boring to this town," Emily mutters.

Mona mutters, "Speak of the Devil and she shall arrive."

"What?" Emily asks, whipping around to face her colleague.

"Em!" Alison calls from the door.

It brightens the eyes of the tired barista. Alison strides up to the counter, gliding in her heels, and she sets her purse on the glass pastry guard.

Ali inquires, "How's your first day of work?"

"Not as bad as I feared but not as good as I hoped." Alison smiles, and Emily begins making her the drink she always ordered.

"So, anything new?" Emily inquires.

Alison asks a question instead of giving an answer. "Do you need a place to stay?"

Emily sets down the drink without putting the cap on, puzzled by that abrupt and unwarranted statement. "Are you offering? I have my house and my mom won't let me go very easily."

"But you're miserable there, if I gathered from the phone call," Alison smoothly says, sounding so genuine that Emily feels breathless. "I was thinking about it all of yesterday after talking to you."

"We could try it," Emily says. She wants to believe she and her mom need each other but Emily cannot fathom staying any longer in a place constructed from bad memories and decorated with broken dreams. "I'll come over after work if you want."

Alison smiles and takes a sip of her coffee. "I'd like that."

Emily says, "Me too."

Ali waves like a princess and walks out of the Brew, and the day passes surprisingly brightly following the revelation and the new plans.

After work, night falls, and Emily feels a sudden surge of panic when she sees Mona starting to close the shop. She does not know why. She never understands her emotions anymore.

She blurts out from strange and sudden fear, "Ali is waiting for me."

Mona does not even look up from the cash register when she chimes, "Oh, is your master calling? I guess the puppy should run along then."

Emily's expression sours. "Yeah. Maybe this _puppy_ should."

She scurries from the Brew and runs all the way home, as versatile as Catwoman in her heeled boots. The surge of adrenaline is the first good feeling she has had since her dad died.

Life confuses her.

[X]

After packing the few belongings she actually cares about in two seafoam suitcases, Emily has dinner with her mom—a woman reluctant to let her go again—drives to Alison's house.

Once Emily knocks on the door and Ali swings it open, the latter girl throws her arms around the body of the former and pulls her into a perfumey embrace. They break apart and Alison wordlessly grabs one of the suitcases. She steps back and Emily follows her inside.

It always smells vaguely like sweet pea lotion in the DiLaurentis home, with a hint of a vague sharper scent that Emily's mind never placed.

"It's going to be nice to live with someone else. It gets lonely here," Alison says, picking up one of Emily's bags and striding up the stairs. Emily follows her and they set down the luggage on the plush guest room bed.

"I'm happy about it too," Emily says, although she knows Ali is well aware. "I'm going to the bathroom; I'll be back."

"Have a nice trip," Alison lowly chimes, and Emily walks out of the room.

When she finally returns, she sees Alison on her phone, scrolling through Instagram. Emily tries not to look at the pictures and instead fixes her gaze on her sore feet.

Alison comments, prompting Emily to one again look up, "I haven't seen you on anything lately. Should I be worried?"

"I've deleted my social media. I'm not really interested in seeing how perfect everyone's lives are. It's not a good feeling."

Alison frowns, and then she smiles because she has a brilliant idea.

"How about we post an Instagram pic the world will be jealous of?" Alison offers, a smile creeping onto her lovely face.

Emily nods. Ali picks up her phone and prepares for the selfie, while Emily remains confused. Slowly, Alison turns around and kisses Emily on the cheek. With the pictures, it does progress, until they settle on the perfect one. It shows flowing blonde hair and shiny raven locks and two young women smiling into a kiss.

Alison adds the perfect filter and flawless tags and Emily begins to suffocate.

[X]

A few minutes later, Emily rummages around for her phone. She promised her mom that she would call as soon as she got to Ali's. Emily sighs and walks out into the cold night air to fetch her purse from her car; she must have forgotten it.

A streetlamp on the street flickers at uneven intervals, drawing Emily's attention for a few moments. She picks up pace again, her bare feet stinging on the rough driveway. Just as she is about to reach her car, she runs into a familiar older woman walking back from her mailbox.

"Emily?" she asks, sounding pleasantly surprised.

"Hi, Mrs. Hastings." Emily's heart enters tachycardia and her stomach churns.

Veronica smiles. "I didn't know you'd be in town."

"Oh. I…" Emily begins to panic. She does not know how to describe what happened. "I decided to take the semester off of college to be here in town for my mom."

Mrs. Hastings nods with that same downcast expression of sympathy over the loss of Emily's dad. She seems uncomfortable and Emily wonders what she should do about it. No social etiquette ever prepared her for this situation.

"Will you be going back to the same school?"

Emily swiftly lies, "I think I'm going to change to somewhere on the East Coast."

Veronica flashes a professional and prim smile. "Oh, I could give you some names of schools I have contacts at if it would help your search."

"That would be really nice of you." Emily nods. It is the _last_ thing she wants, but she does not think the woman who raised Spencer and Melissa would take kindly to Emily's doubts about college being the right path in the first place.

"Are you visiting Alison?"

"I'm staying with her for a little while."

"I think she could use that support as much as you can. Anyway, I'm running late for dinner with a client and we'll have to catch up later."

"Bye, Mrs. Hastings." Emily waves, and she hurriedly opens her car, grabs her forgotten bag and races back inside.

Emily sits down on the sofa and turns on the television, still catching her breath. She looks through the plasma screen instead of at it, and she does not hear Alison loudly making cocoa in the kitchen. Her thoughts spiral wildly out of control, images, fears, angers, regrets…

She flinches when Ali walks into the room, humming; it snaps her back to reality.

Alison sets a mug of hot chocolate in front of Emily and sits beside her. The sweet scent of cocoa-saturated marshmallows fills Emily's nostrils, and when she touches the blue porcelain cup it almost burns her hand. She leaves it be and takes in a slow breath.

"What are you thinking about?" the blonde kindly inquires.

"Do you ever look at the arrival and departure boards at the airport?" Emily asks.

"Only when I have to," Alison replies.

"I did when I was at the airport, waiting to go home after my failure."

"It wasn't—"

"Ali, please let me finish."

"Okay."

"I was looking up at those boards and the names of places flickering by. They were like seeing other people's passwords; that's the only way I can describe it. And every single one represented a tiny little chunk of everything I'll never get to see before I die. All because, as the arrow on the map so helpfully told me: _you are here_."

Alison freezes for a moment, shocked by that miniature monologue. She finally comments, "That's… that's deep."

Emily rolls her shoulders and leans back against the sofa. "It's just the way I feel, I guess." "Why do you feel that way?"

"I wish I knew. I don't really understand anything anymore because, because, because it's like it never stops," Emily softly says. "The past years have been a mess and it never stops. I keep wondering what I did to deserve this—this downward—this _slope to Hell_."

Ali rubs her lips together, smearing a tidbit of pink gloss on her skin.

She starts sorting Emily's clothes and sliding them into her almost-unused top dresser drawer. "Oh, honey, if you're looking for those kinds of answers you know you won't get them."

Emily whispers, "Well, it's pretty miserable, and it's pretty unfair."

Alison weighs her options, gazing into Emily's eyes and then at her lips. They are chapped and it makes Alison's eyes dewy. She decides the best thing to do is move on, because the platitudes she will offer can only serve to make the situation worse.

"Should we watch _The Notebook_ or _The Notebook_?"

Emily faintly smiles, and Ali smiles back.

[X]

In the morning, Alison sleeps in since she has no classes. Emily, however, needs to get to work. She gets into the shower and dries her hair before garbing herself in a metallic and mint outfit, accented with studded sneakers. After that, she adjusts herself in the mirror, then grabs her purse and car keys.

When she arrives the Brew, entering an empty but warm shop, she sees Mona already setting up for the day, moving smoothly and easily in her billowy floral top and amazing nude heels. Her perfume is strong enough for Emily to pick up on it across the room, and it makes the air taste metallic.

"I like your shoes," Emily says as she retrieves an apron and ties it on.

Ignoring the compliment, Mona calmly and casually remarks, "You have more reasons to distrust her than distrust me."

"Who?" Emily asks, frowning. She wonders why she has to put up with this.

"Your little human excuse last night. Alison wasn't waiting for you, was she? But she's like the burly boyfriend, right?" A flicker of a smile crosses her face. "Don't worry; I'm not hitting on you. But I'm also not afraid of her."

"She _was_ , and I don't have any reason to mistrust Ali. She's…"

Mona coolly asks, "Have you ever heard of Voltaire?"

"Should I have?" Emily hotly demands.

"He's a French writer and philosopher most famous for _Candide_."

"We had to read that in sophomore English, didn't we?"

"Yes. He once said that to learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize."

"I _can_ criticize her. I don't _want to_ because I'm a good friend. Maybe we should work in silence today."

"Maybe."

[X]

Later that day, still at work, Emily begins cleaning them mirror in the lilac-hued and simplistically styled bathroom. When she smells the cleaning fluid, she drops it. It spills all over the floor, only worsening the overpowering scent that reminds her of everything that went awry. This was the exact same smell in the dollhouse; it must have been what that psycho bitch cleaned the place with.

She feels too humiliated to walk back into the crowded store, but she feels like she needs to escape the overpowering smell too. Emily hastily strides past the counter and enters the kitchen, where she can be alone.

Emily crumbles on the floor. Her thoughts go from traumatic memories she always runs from, to the fact that she will always be a miserable failure who cannot handle anything, who lost so much, lost her dad, lost her dreams of college and—

"Xanax?" Mona asks, as if offering a piece of peppermint gum.

She entered the kitchen once she saw the way Emily walked, and is glad that she did now that she sees the usually-composed girl holding back tears while hugging her knees to her chest.

Emily manages to say, "I don't think people are supposed to share those."

Mona frowns. "I'm just being nice. You could use it."

Emily's first instinct is to _run_. Instead, she accepts the little white pill and takes a sip of her fizzy Cherry Pepsi. The sweetness on Emily's tongue betters her condition ever-so-slightly.

"Don't you dare make fun of me," Emily sternly states, fiercely locking eyes with Mona.

For ages upon ages, Mona stands there in silence. Emily struggles to breathe, sipping the Pepsi while the memories keep overpowering her rational mind.

At last, Mona speaks. She reluctantly admits, "I left school because I tried to kill myself."

Emily screws the cap on her drink and quietly inquires, "Really?"

"Yes. I didn't leave my bed for six months after my mom brought me home. Now, I don't know what will happen next in my life and that's a very new feeling for me. But an oddly freeing one. I always thought it would be nice to be one of those little butterflies who never worry."

"Those little butterflies?" Emily asks, cocking an eyebrow.

"I don't have a better word for it." Pause. "Some people are little butterflies and some people are plastic folding chairs. We're the latter."

"There's no _we_." Emily's cheeks heat up.

"If you say so."

"Could you look in the other direction?"

"Listen, I don't feel bad for you. Not one bit. I'm not made uncomfortable by panic attacks and I also think you need to learn a few lessons about self-acceptance and not being so _woe-is-me_." Mona frowns. "It's not embarrassing to have a breakdown. It's embarrassing to assume I pity you."

Emily's breath catches. Then she slowly stands up.

"That…" She fumbles for words. "That was actually just what I needed to hear."

"Yeah. I honestly think I might be the only person in this town who understands exactly everything you're going through."

"It makes me sick to my stomach, but I think you're right." Pause. "Why did you do it?"

"Whip you into damn shape?"

"You know what I'm asking."

"Yeah. And you're going to have to put a little more time into me if you want to find out. Here's your purse; invest in waterproof mascara, and I'll see you tomorrow." Mona sets down Emily's bag and walks away.

While her breathing begins to ease, Emily subtly smiles.

[X]

The day after her panic attack, Emily makes a coffee for Alison in the mid-afternoon. Today is shockingly warm and temperate, and the sunlight pouring through the Brew windows nearly blinds Emily while she works. Mona stands casually at the cash register nearby and Emily struggles to look at her for long. She feels as if she knows too much. Emily sets the drink down in front of Ali.

"I'm about to go on my lunch break. Do you want to meet up?" Emily asks.

Alison's eyes flash wide and Emily furrows her brow. The sweat on Alison DiLaurentis glistens in the sunlight that pours through the windows.

"I'm—uh—I'm studying all afternoon. I have a big test first thing tomorrow morning and I was thinking we could have another movie night tonight. French films."

"Oh. Um, have fun studying." Emily smiles as Alison leaves too quickly, stumbling once in the heels she usually glides in.

After a beat, Mona remarks to Emily, "I've seen better acting from extras in Godzilla movies."

"What?" Emily demands, although she knows exactly what Mona means.

"Alison, obviously. I guess she must be advancing in girlfriend training because she's nervous enough around you to poorly lie."

"I'm sure she meant it. There's nothing she has to hide."

Mona pointedly rolls her eyes, and then suggests, "You should follow her."

"I'm not _following_ Ali."

"If you're so dedicated to proving me wrong, you would," states Mona with an icy fervor.

"We have to work," Emily protests, grasping at straws.

Mona glances over each shoulder, confirming the shop is empty, save for the owner who is fixated on the mystery bookshelf. She then grabs one of the vanilla cream containers and splashes it all over Emily's mint green top. Emily yelps and Ezra steps out from behind the books.

Mona sweetly says, "Ezra, Emily had an accident and I need to take her to get another outfit. Can we share a lunch break today?"

"Yeah. I can take over for a bit," he offers. Emily can see in his eyes that it comes out of pity for her situation and it makes her queasy.

As soon as Emily and Mona grab their purses and get out the door, the former swimmer hisses, "You made it sound like I wet my pants."

Mona laughs. "I know. Now, hurry before we lose her trail."

Emily mutters a few obscenities to herself as she unlocks her car and she and Mona both get inside. She starts driving, following the car she knows to be Ali's. They stay with two cars between them until Alison parks her car at a café.

Mona grabs the steering wheel and directs them at the side of the street. Emily yanks it back and parks a ways away from Alison.

"She could be studying at a café. That is not abnormal. This was a waste of time and my second favorite shirt," insists Emily.

Mona shakes her head. "Give it a moment, will you?"

Emily sighs, but she has to kill _some_ time before she returns to the Brew, or else Ezra will know she lied. So, she watches Alison, and then sees a boy even Emily knows is handsome sit down across from her. Maybe a study buddy.

And then he takes Alison by the wrist and pulls her into a passionate kiss.

It makes Emily's heart plummet into her stomach, but she reminds herself that she and Alison are not actually dating. Despite the closeness, despite the fact that she knows Alison will lead her on for eternity. It kills her, but she must hide it from Mona.

"It's not a big deal," Emily lies.

"I try not to reuse old lines, but, again, I've seen better acting from extras in Godzilla movies."

"She can date who she wants. We're not… we're not _really_ dating."

"Maybe you can change her honesty settings once you get her shirt off. Robots have those, don't they?"

"Do _you_ have honesty settings?"

"Try me."

"Fine. Ninety-five."

"I woke up this morning to my cat puking on my bed while I was still in it."

"Never mind. Seventy."

"Your outfit looks _better_ with coffee spilled all over it."

"Fifty?"

"That's a very depressing setting, Emily."

"It would be an improvement."

"Fine. My honesty settings are on fifty. You should confront her."

"I'm not confronting her. There's no reason for that. We're doing really well and I'm not going to ruin it over something this petty."

"She's cheating on you."

"We're not dating."

"I apparently got the absolute wrong impression."

"There's no need for that kind of sarcasm. We're _not_ dating and so she's _not_ cheating and one little lie isn't a big deal."

"Do you ever sleep in the same bed?" Mona asks, a smirk creeping onto her face.

Emily asks, "So, you have a cat? What's its name?"

"Lola. Do you two share a _bed_?"

"Why are you so interested in my personal life?" Emily sighs and gets out of the car. "Forget that question. You live vicariously through people who are capable of experiencing love. I'll see you."

"This is your car," Mona dryly states, pointing at the steering wheel.

"I'll see you," Emily repeats, this time through clenched teeth.

"Do you want the car back or can I keep it?"

Emily continues walking away, shivering in the autumn air and crunching golden leaves beneath her feet with each step.


	2. Chapter 2

**II**

* * *

Hours after Emily ran home to change out of her stained mint green top, Alison cleans up the movie night while Emily showers. She just has begun to rinse the mugs when she hears a car entering the quiet neighborhood, and, as soon as she sets them in the dishwasher, someone knocks on the door. Lips pursed, Ali strides to the front hall and answers it.

She glowers when she sees Mona, eerily illuminated by the moonlight. The girl has no right to be here and Alison tries to grasp at the right words to say. Thankfully, Mona speaks first.

"I'm just here to return Emily's car," she offhandedly explains, shrugging one shoulder.

"Did you steal it?" Alison harshly demands.

"No. She left me in it. We had a little fight earlier today. I thought that she should confront you about the whole making out with Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome after telling her you had to study, but she disagreed. It was kind of cute in a sickening way." Mona smirks. Alison's heart skips a beat.

Yes, she has been dating Brent for a few weeks. No, she does not love him and she knows she did not tell Emily for a reason, but not one she wholly understands. Ali just sighs and grabs onto the doorknob.

She coolly states, "Leave her alone. She's going through a hard time right now and doesn't need someone messing with her. Goodbye."

Alison slams the door in Mona's face.

[X]

In the morning, Emily dresses herself in a soft navy tank top and leather jacket with matching earrings and distressed powder blue skinny jeans. She goes downstairs to the fridge and grabs an energy drink before turning to look out the window. What she sees almost makes her drop her caffeinated beverage of choice.

She turns to Ali, whom is in the midst of finding the right textbook for today's class.

"My car is here," Emily comments, gesturing loosely at the window. Her head hurts and she does not know if she can figure this out.

"Is it not supposed to be?" Alison innocently inquires, eyelashes fluttering.

"I… I left it at work yesterday," Emily says, thinking as quickly as she can.

Ali sweetly says, "Then I guess someone must've brought it back. Ezra?"

"Yeah…" Emily shrugs, because she does not think she is ever going to tell Ali that she and Mona joined forces to spy on her lunch date. "I guess I shouldn't complain about a good thing."

"Have a nice day at work," Alison earnestly remarks, and Emily murmurs a word of thanks while she grabs her purse.

She heads out the door, wondering what might have happened last night as she gets into her car and twists her key in the ignition.

[X]

At work, Emily finishes serving a middle-aged woman with a small scar on her upper lip. She turns to Mona as the shop quiets and tries to spark conversation.

"So, you, uh, don't like whipped cream?" is the best thing she can think of.

"What?" Mona asks, cocking an eyebrow. She stifles laughter.

Emily hastily explains, "When I ran into you for the first time you said you didn't want that drink because of the whipped cream in it."

Mona faintly smiles.

"Oh, right," she says, "with your oh so original quip about poison."

Emily reiterates her question. "You don't like whipped cream?"

"I like whipped cream," Mona replies, leaning against the counter. "Everyone does. I just don't drink it because I exclusively enjoy coffee darker and more bitter than my soul, and whipped cream is endless empty calories."

"You brought my car back last night," Emily says, diving into the question she wanted to ask.

"Was I supposed to keep it?" Mona teasingly asks with a smirk.

Emily firmly states, "No. I just wasn't expecting that. Did Ali see you?"

Pause.

"Did she not mention it?" Mona innocuously inquires.

"No," states Emily as a blonde girl walks through the door, her bag slipping off her shoulders.

Mona pauses for a little too long, which makes Emily furrow her brow in concern. "Then I guess she didn't, seeing as you don't have any reason to mistrust your _Ali_."

Silence.

Lengthy, lengthy, awkward silence.

Emily abruptly asks, "Do you ever look at arrival and departure boards in airports?"

"I try not to," says Mona. "They remind me of all the places I'll never go because I'm stuck in Rosewood serving out an eternal prison sentence."

Emily nods. "Do you ever think about where you want to go?"

"I wouldn't take a plane. I'd drive." Mona suddenly looks dreamy as she gazes right through Emily. "I'd just drive into that sunset and never look back at this place for one second."

A small smile creeps onto Emily's face. "That sounds nice."

Mona shakes her head. "It's only a hopeless fantasy."

"I don't mind those," says Emily.

"Oh."

"I have another one," Emily softly says. "That… maybe you could forgive us."

Mona pointedly rolls her eyes and coldly says, "I'm very not in the mood for a heart to heart."

"I just was thinking about it last night in the shower."

Mona laughs with a sparkle in her eyes. "You were thinking about me in the shower?"

Emily grits her teeth.

"Not like _that_ ," she coolly clarifies, clenching her right fist. "I was thinking about how nice it would be if you and me and Ali could… support each other with things like this. We all got left behind."

Mona shakes her head, as if amused by a silly toddler. "Now that is more of a hopeless fantasy than driving off into the sunset."

Emily demands, refusing to ever stand down again, "Why? Why would it be so hard to be friends with her?"

"I will never be friends with her and I will never like her. It's just the way it is. Everyone has _someone_ they loathe from high school who they will hate for the rest of their lives. You think you've forgotten about it but then your kid comes home from school complaining about someone they hate and you instantly launch into a thousand and one stories about the person who made your high school existence miserable. It's just part of life." Mona smiles and goes through the motions with another customer. Emily mulls over her words while their conversation pauses.

Once Mona turns back around, Emily says, "It doesn't have to be. I don't have anyone like that."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Not even me?"

Emily snaps, irritated, "How is that a question? I kind of thought we were becoming friends."

Mona just stares. Emily is not certain anyone has ever caught that girl off guard before, but it happens right this moment.

"Oh."

Just oh. She will not prod this time.

Emily quietly sighs and gets back to work.

[X]

That night, Emily steals glances at Ali while they watch a French film. She keeps looking at her and thinking about that evening in the kitchen, that evening she broke down. The scariest thing is that she thinks she might be developing an attraction to the person who destroyed her life. The scarier thing is that she _definitely_ is developing a relationship with the other person who destroyed her life.

Alison smiles. "Are you even reading the subtitles or are you too busy gazing at me?"

Emily feels her cheeks heat up, and Ali smiles at the blush she sees.

"I can do both," Emily at last says.

"You're an excellent multitasker," Alison comments, batting her eyelashes.

They both stare at each other for a few moments too long, but neither feels ashamed.

[X]

The next day, the instant Emily walks through the door of the Brew, Mona demands, "What are you wearing to the Halloween party?"

Emily blinks several times, still sleepy at this hour. "Halloween party?"

Mona sighs, feigning pure exasperation. "The one at The Brew this weekend."

"I didn't know that was happening," Emily earnestly replies.

"There are fliers all over town. I put them up myself. Were they not clear enough for you?"

"I guess I wasn't paying attention, and I don't know what I'm wearing since I wasn't planning on a costume since I don't have anyone to make plans with."

"And you don't check your texts, do you?"

Emily furrows her brow. "I haven't gotten any except from my mom."

Mona blinks. "Then I guess she didn't tell you but told me which is honestly sad."

"Please be clear for once." Emily sighs when she sets down her purse.

"Hanna is coming to town for the weekend to go to the party with Aria."

"Oh." Pause. "Is the party mandatory?"

"I don't know, but I think you should come. You could bring your girlfriend-in-training. Maybe a slow dance could seal the deal for you two."

"It might be nice to see them. Hanna and Aria."

"Caleb and Ezra would agree." Mona turns around and leans against the counter. "Want to come to the costume store with me after work? I refuse to be in a trio costume with you and girlfriend-in-training or a couples costume, but I kind of miss shopping with other people."

"That was honest."

Mona smirks, eyes glistening. "I bumped it up to sixty-five percent because I just like you that much."

Emily nods. This might be a perfect opportunity.

"We can go costume shopping," she assents aloud.

"Great. It's a date." Pause. "That came out wrong. It is not a romantic date. More of a middle school style playdate."

"It sounds fun." Emily means it.

[X]

At the costume shop, Emily and Mona stride through the aisles, locating the women's section after drifting past the children's department and the creepy masks.

"We could be the Powerpuff Girls," Emily suggests, pointing at the three costume packages.

Mona pivots on her heel and sharply says, "What did I say about trio costumes?"

"Okay, okay. It was just a thought." Emily reads the titles on the costumes beside her. She sees one that is cute enough. "I could be a zombie nurse."

Mona argues, "That's somehow overly complicated yet cliché at the same time. You would be a fabulous sexy horror clown though."

"Pass." Emily tries to fight her smile, but loses.

Mona chimes in a hilariously serious tone, "Mile high stewardess?"

"No." Now Emily stifles a laugh.

"Sexy Care Bear?" Mona deadpans.

"Oh my God." Emily tries to stop laughing, and, when she at last does, she finds a package that is at least mildly agreeable. "How about Egyptian goddess?"

"Whatever you want." Mona continues walking down the aisles. Emily decides on the skimpy Egyptian dress and goes searching for tights to match it.

She finds them while Mona picks out her package.

"What'd you choose?" Emily asks.

Mona holds up the costume package. "Red hot devil."

Emily muses, "Why do you call them by their ridiculous names?"

"Because it's more fun that way." Mona smirks and starts poking at black fishnets.

Emily begins to examine a package of tights when her phone rings. She reaches into the back pocket of her jeans and sees Alison's name. When she feels Mona peering over her shoulder, she slides her phone on silent and lets it go to voicemail.

"Trouble in paradise?"

"No, I just don't want to be rude to you." Pause. Emily justifies, "She'll text if she needs me."

"Right," Mona replies with a sparkle in her eyes that makes Emily uneasy.

Emily cannot understand it.

Nothing makes sense anymore; nothing has since she lost her dad.

"Do you ever feel kind of like the world doesn't follow the same rules it used to?"

"No," Mona says, and Emily does not know if she should believe her or not.

Emily launches into a rambling explanation of her thoughts, "My life before college all revolved around living in a really perverse Nancy Drew computer game. That was all I knew and all I thought about. Living a horror movie. When it ended, things really didn't make sense until everything spiraled down and out of control. But this can't be solved. It's not a puzzle. It's just loss. Loss and nothing else. It sucks."

"Being normal is uncomfortable for you, isn't it?"

"Something like that."

Mona says in a tone like artificial sugar, "I could take you to a corn maze. Would that help?"

Emily wants to snap something about Mona not taking this seriously, but, the truth is, she kind of likes that cavalier attitude.

It makes a dark situation a little bit lighter.

[X]

After buying her costume, Emily comes home and meets Alison in the kitchen. She sits down at the table and tries to figure out how to mention the party without sounding romantic. Ali clearly has a boyfriend, whether she wants to discuss him or not.

"The Brew is having a Halloween party this weekend. I'm pretty sure I have to go. Hanna and Aria will be there too," she breathlessly says, subconsciously crossing her fingers.

"I saw the fliers, but you didn't say anything about it so I thought maybe you didn't want me to come," Alison says, running her hand across the smooth marble counter.

Emily recoils, startled. "Of course I want you to come."

"Well, then, I would love to go to the party with you," Ali says with a bat of her eyelashes. "As your _date_."

Emily's heart flutters. "Are you asking me out?"

"Yes," Alison says as quickly as she can. She needs to declare it before she can change her mind or let cowardice overcome her.  
Emily whispers, "Romantically?"

"Yeah, if that's okay with you." Ali shifts her weight from foot to foot and at last says, "I know you saw me with Brent."

Emily's eyes flash wide. "How?"

Ali averts her eyes and explains, "Mona told me when she brought your car back. I didn't tell you about him because… it felt wrong to me. I don't know. Things have always been complicated, but I… I broke up with him two days ago because I… I want to… I want to give _us_ a chance."

Emily smiles. "The poor guy."

"The lucky us," Ali smoothly says. "I guess I have to get a costume. What are you going as?"

"An Egyptian goddess."

"Then I should be Aphrodite."

"That was fast."

"I'm clever like that, and currently taking a classics class."

Emily smiles; Ali grins.

[X]

On Saturday, Emily cannot stop shaking. It is a chilly Halloween night, so she can pass off the nervous reaction as a response to the cold. Alison squeezes her hand and it gives mild relief, but not nearly enough. She walks into the Brew expecting the worse but instead receives a perfumey and passionate hug from Hanna and a bright smile from Aria. Old music playing is ten times creepier than any trendy music could be, and the decorations are surprisingly all-out.

Hanna wears a skimpy Red Riding Hood costume and Aria is dressed as the Cheshire Cat.

"We helped decorate," Hanna says, which answers Emily's puzzled thoughts. She hugs Ali and then steps back again. "It's impressive, right?"

"Very. I was just in here this morning." Emily uneasily laughs. _Please don't let them mention college, please don't let them mention college…_

"Tonight is going to be so fun," Hanna says. "And so will our sleepover party."

"Sleepover party?" Emily asks, puzzled.

Aria explains, "We're joining you for the night. It'll be nostalgic."

"It will be," Emily says. She will be happy to spend time with her friends, but that does give them more time to make her feel like a miserable failure when she compares herself to them. "I missed you guys."

Emily means that. She did miss them, deeply and truly. She misses a lot of things.

Emily stares at her phone while Hanna and Caleb dance and Aria sits with Ezra on the seat closest to the classical book shelf. She wonders if being invisible is better than being put on the spot like she was with Mrs. Hastings.

Someone takes her by the wrist and she almost drops her phone. Ali.

"As your date, I think I need to force you to have fun," Alison says and Emily faintly smiles. Ali kisses the cheek of the girl she thinks she is dating and takes her towards the center of the room, where couples and friends dance.

Mildred Bailey's 'A Cigarette and a Silhouette' plays, a song from the 1940's with a jazzy feel. Ali takes Emily's hands in hers, soft skin against smooth skin, and they spin in a dance so tiny it could be performed on a pie plate.

She forgets, she forgets all of the confusion and pain as she swirls to an ancient song. Alison smiles and Emily stares at her lips.

They kiss while spinning and nearly trip over each other's feet.

[X]

Emily runs from the party while Alison tries the orange and black cupcakes. She enters the kitchen in the back and finds Mona sitting on the counter, eyes on her phone. Emily hears 'Sway' begin to play in the room hosting the party.

"Do you want to dance with me?" Emily offers, uncertain how Mona will interpret it. In fact, she is uncertain of how she _wants_ Mona to interpret it.

"I don't need pity," coolly says the formerly wicked woman.

"It's not pity. It's a good song and I could use a dance partner," Emily presses, extending her right hand. "Julie London has a lovely voice."

Mona stares at it for a few torturous moments before she accepts the gesture. Emily intertwines their fingers without thinking.

If Mona notices the awkwardness, she does not mention it. "Fine. One dance, and then I am going to retreat to my comfortable hiding place."

They walk into the heart of the party and begin to sway to the dulcet tones of Julie London. Emily tries to ignore the fact that they gradually drift closer and closer as the song goes on, but she likes it too much, which confuses her and then she pushes those thoughts away.

Just because she is physically attracted to someone does not mean she likes them as an entire person. Even if she thinks she might have seen a new side of Mona of late.

"One more dance?" Mona suggests as the song comes to a close.

Emily begins to nod before someone fervently taps on her arm.

"Em," says Alison and Emily's heart plummets into her stomach. "Want to get a drink with me? Your date."

Mona says, "You know where to find me," and is gone before Emily can open her mouth.

[X]

At Alison's house, Ali goes upstairs and finds blankets to lay on the floor like they did when they were young and innocent. Emily sits on the sofa and watches Hanna fight a battle with the DVD player. Aria texts Ezra. Emily pretends to have someone to text.

Hanna looks up, surrendering to the television. "So, that kiss was new and exciting."

"Me and Ali?" Emily asks, her cheeks flushing.

Aria sets down her phone. "I'm happy for you guys."

"How did it happen? I need details," Hanna demands.

Emily thinks for a moment before replying, "I don't really know. I think we were waiting for it to happen and when I came home it was... natural. It feels right."

Ali enters the room, having overheard.

"You know the red string of fate, right? From old myths." she says, glancing between the girls. "It holds people together and stretches but it never tangles or breaks."

Emily loves the sound of that.

The girls begin to chatter about things other than Emily and Ali's love life.

[X]

Emily and Hanna volunteer to pick up food for the sleepover party at Ali's. They head to the only Chinese restaurant in the exclusive Philadelphia suburb. After reading the orders from Hanna's phone, they both sit down at one of the tables to wait.

The small talk does not last for too long. Hanna discusses her perfect life and Emily tries her best not to be envious.

Emily anxiously inquires, "Can I tell you something private and weird?"

"Sure," Hanna brightly answers.

Emily takes several deep breaths. "I think I caught feelings for two people and I got a really weird vibe from them both at the party. They kind of fought over a dance with me," Emily says and Hanna's jaw drops. "You look _way_ too excited about this problem."

Then Hanna suddenly looks petrified. Emily hopes it is just because the problem has set in.

"Mona?"

"And Ali."

Hanna knows about Alison; _everyone_ does. The thing that shocks her is the other woman in the love triangle.

She cannot help but repeat, "Mona."

"And Ali. See, I'm starting to date Ali which is amazing and we live together, _but_ I kissed Mona the other day and I haven't told her yet. They both hate each other and I think any signs of attraction at the dance were just them using me as a pawn in an ancient feud but…"

"Mona," again states Hanna.

"Not the most articulate answer."

"No, I just, didn't see that coming."

"Neither did I. And you _can't_ tell Ali, okay? Or Aria or Spencer or anyone."

"Your secret is safe with me."

"For _real_ or…?"

"Yes, for real. But I don't have any good advice. To be honest, I don't think either is good for you. They both have showed a lot of disregard for your feelings in the past. Maybe you could go on a Boho road trip and meet some new heartthrob."

"I don't know if I'm ready to leave Rosewood."

"This place traps you in. Why do you think I hardly ever come home? My first Thanksgiving, I honestly thought I'd lock myself in my room like a little kid avoiding daycare, but I got it together. Just ditch your love triangle and run while you still can."

"Do you think either of them is interested in me? I honestly think the dance was just them hating each other."

"I don't know. Probably Alison, but I can't tell with her. They both are dangerous psychopaths who I love dearly but will break your heart in a second."

"I'm so confused."

"So am I."

The cashier calls out their order and both women rise to collect the large order.

[X]

In the morning, Aria and Hanna leave before Emily even wakes up. They must return to school before too late tonight, and Ali bids them goodbye while Emily wastes her whole life dreaming.

"Are you okay with going to get coffee on your day off?" Alison asks.

"Yeah," Emily replies, rubbing her eyes.

They head to the Brew after getting dressed and doing their makeup.

"Hey, Em, I want to tell you something," says Alison.

"Mhm?"

Alison takes a few deep breaths, and Emily's stomach churns. "I want to tell you that my feelings are real and you don't have to run from me."

"I wasn't planning on it." Pause. "I'm… I'm just surprised you weren't the one dashing off at the first sign of romance."

"I've realized something since you came home from school. Love's not something you can go to the store to pick up," says Alison. "It happens, and sometimes it's unexpected."

Emily glances across the room at her only coworker and her heart flutters when she realizes it. She hopes Ali did not follow her gaze.

"You're right," Emily replies, and she quickly busies her hands with pointless work.

She could not possibly be more confused.

[X]

That evening, Mona and Emily close the shop together, the moonlight pouring into the dimly lit coffee shop. Emily sweeps the dark floor, helping out and not saying too much. Things have been awkward since the party.

Mona suddenly says something Emily never would have predicted. "Do you want to know my story?"

Emily straightens her back, ceasing the movement of the dirty broom.

"I put enough time into you?" she asks, recalling their earlier conversation.

"I suppose." Mona's fingers tremble and she cannot stop them. She feels like she might throw up, but she also knows she will regret it if she does not talk.

Emily notices Mona's chalky complexion and shaking extremities and says, "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

Mona states, to herself as much as to her coworker, "I want to."

"Okay." Emily nods and sets the broom against one of the bookshelves. She walks closer to Mona and tries to keep her expression as kind and comforting as possible.

Silence.

Finally, Mona says, "It was hard for me at school. I was falling apart being on my own and my nightmares and the perpetual anxiety only got worse with stress. Then, during orientation we went for a mandatory camping trip and I had to sleep in the dirt and I completely lost it. I knew that I could never live with screwing up my life and leaving college and I thought it would be easier just to end it."

Emily whispers, "Did you stop yourself?"

"No. My mom had been calling me about seven times a day—a side effect of burying your child once already, I assume—and when I didn't respond, she had campus security come check on me."

"I'm glad they found you."

"No, you're not. You'd breathe easier once someone told you the news, even if you left sweet, poetic messages on my memorial page and pretended to pray for my wicked soul. You'd have one less thing in the world to hate and be afraid of."

Emily panics and kisses her.


	3. Chapter 3

**III**

* * *

Emily feels like an idiot. Mona is probably straight. Why on Earth did she just kiss a straight girl when she is currently dating the young woman of her dreams? How could she do this to Alison?

Those panicked thoughts abruptly end when Mona kisses her back. Emily closes her eyes and leans into it, refusing to think about Alison or A.

Just one more time. They kiss one more time and then Emily will end it.

Once more. Once more. Once more.

The moment they break apart, Ezra's voice interrupts them. "I didn't mean to intrude on anything," he uncomfortably says and Emily's heart skips a beat. "I was just going to give Emily this book but I can leave for a few minutes."

"No, it's fine, we're done," Emily hesitantly says, flushed for more than one reason as she steps away from Mona and accepts the book of poems from Ezra. He still looks baffled and uneasy, which makes Emily want to vanish into thin air.

"Uh, okay," he states and Emily scurries to remove her apron, seize her purse and dash away from the scene of the crime. Mona just stands there, gazing after her.

Emily does not know how she will look Ali in the eye.

[X]

At dinnertime, Emily sits at home with Alison, picking at her takeout food. Alison watches her and tries not to be nervous. She hopes Emily is not sinking deeper into depression, because that makes Ali feel beyond helpless and afraid for the girl she thinks she… thinks she… thinks she wants to date. Just date. Just date. Nothing more.

"Is something wrong?" Alison asks, closely studying Emily's facial expression.

"No," Emily replies, flashing a false smile.

Alison does not believe her, but she does not pry either.

Emily gets up and apologizes for not finishing her food. She cleans up after herself and goes to try reading the book Ezra gave her. Settling on the sofa, she opens the book of poetry and sees he bookmarked a page: _For Emily_. It is attributed to William Ernest Henley.

 _Out of the night that covers me,  
_ _Black as the pit from pole to pole,  
_ _I thank whatever gods may be  
_ _For my unconquerable soul.  
_ _In the fell clutch of circumstance  
_ _I have not winced nor cried aloud.  
_ _Under the bludgeonings of chance  
_ _My head is bloody, but unbowed.  
_ _Beyond this place of wrath and tears  
_ _Looms but the Horror of the shade,  
_ _And yet the menace of the years  
_ _Finds and shall find me unafraid.  
_ _It matters not how strait the gate,  
_ _How charged with punishments the scroll,  
_ _I am the master of my fate,  
_ _I am the captain of my soul._

She knows he must have given it to her because he pities her. He wants to give her something inspirational while she is in this hour of darkness. Emily does like the poem; she enjoys the idea of being unconquerable, of being able to control her fate. But, in her humble opinion, no one can control their own fate. People can only drift down the river and hope for the best.

Emily believes that will all her heart.

[X]

The next day, immediately after work, Emily goes for a brisk walk in the chilly afternoon. She is on the sidewalk, her thoughts spiraling in mad circles. Suddenly, a car approaches her; Mona shows up. Emily's heart flutters from panic. She does not want to face her.

"Get in," says Mona, attempting a smile.

Emily shakes her head. "I don't think that's a good idea."

" _Please_ get in," Mona attempts, giving a glance she thinks might be comforting, but it does not make Emily feel much better.

"Where are you taking me?" asks Emily, her heart steadily heading towards tachycardia.

Mona demands, "Why do you always have so many questions? Get in."

"This is a horrible idea," Emily mumbles as she opens the car door. How could she be stupid? She probably will end up in a ditch by dusk.

They begin to drive and Emily tries not to look at her coworker. She bites her lower lip and gazes out of the passenger side window.

At last, after an awkward few minutes, Mona breaks the silence by saying, "Maybe you don't remember it, but all those years ago you apologized to me. I never forgot that."

Emily does remember. She thought about constantly weeks later after she found out what Mona was hiding.

In earnest, Emily replies, "I never regretted it." Pause. "I regret that kiss. I'm sorry about it. It was wrong of me."

"Why?" Mona inquires, coming to a jolting halt at a stoplight.

Emily, uncertain, asks, "Why did I kiss you or why was it wrong of me?"

"Both," Mona replies, glancing at Emily before she returns her gaze to the road. The sun sets in front of them and Mona adjusts her sunglasses.

"I—I need to think for a moment," says Emily, trying to buy herself time. Mona sharply nods.

As the sun dips lower and lower, they gain speed on a lesser-traveled road. Emily stares out of the window for a few moments before she collects her thoughts.

"I kissed you because I panicked and it just… happened. I don't know why it happened and I wish I could give a better answer, because I wish I had one. It was wrong of me because I'm in a relationship with Ali and because I'm confused by you." Emily squeezes her eyes shut. "I don't want to hurt either of you but I'm—I'm confused."

Mona's eyelashes flutter and she inquires, "Confused by me?"

Emily takes a deep breath and opens her eyes. She explains, "I think I caught feelings for you and I don't know how to deal with it. It feels wrong to me, but I can't get rid of the crush no matter how much I try. I know you're straight and I so shouldn't crush on you because of that and a number of other reasons."

Mona studies her at a stop sign. "How do you know it's not mutual?"

Emily rubs her lips together.

"I just assumed," Emily says, shrugging one shoulder.

Mona hesitates for some time.

"I kissed you back, remember?" she finally says, speeding up again.

"Yeah," Emily softly replies. "But I don't know if that says everything."

Mona pointedly sighs. "No wonder your love life has always been a train wreck."

"Hey!" snaps Emily, glaring.

"I just think you don't have a very good _grasp_ on it."

"Okay," says Emily, moving her hand to the handle in case she has to dive out of the car. "Why are you driving me to the middle of nowhere?"

Mona answers as if Emily is an idiot, "Light pollution."

"Not an answer I understand," Emily states, furrowing her brow.

Mona begins to rattle off, "So, cities and even suburbs make it so the sky—"

"I know what light pollution is," interrupts Emily. "I don't know why you're driving me to where no one would find my body."

"Have you ever seen a meteor shower?" Mona slowly asks. It still is not a clear answer, but Emily reads between the lines.

Mona parks atop a hill, on the side of the road. It is freezing out, but Emily steps out of the car when Mona does. They set on the hood, backs against the windshield.

Emily squints up at the darkness above and waits for a shooting star to cross it. The silence and blank night sky stretch out further before a bright light crosses the horizon. Then another. Then another. They are small as specks but they draw and hold Emily's undivided attention.

During a pause in the cosmic event, Emily remarks, "It… makes you feel small. Like my problems are pretty insignificant in the big picture of things."

"It's nice, isn't it?" Mona replies, speaking so softly that it stuns her companion.

"Yeah," breathes Emily, returning her eyes to the brilliant sky and the shreds of the Milky Way visible above.

Nothing happens between them; they just watch meteors streak across the autumn sky. When Emily returns to Ali later that night, she lies and claims she was visiting her mom.

She only hopes it will not come back to bite her.

[X]

The next day, standing behind The Brew's counter, Emily sighs and glances at her phone for the thousandth time. Her coworker looks up.

"What are you waiting for?" Mona inquires, scrunching up her nose.

Emily does not hesitate to explain, "Ali said she would text me our dinner reservations in Philly. I thought she'd do it earlier."

A group of girls enters the shop and Emily sets down her phone in the small space behind the cash register. She needs to focus on her work and not on her date, at least for now.

Admittedly, she does check it once before she goes into the back to find the other batch of pastries she just knew she saw. Mona takes over, and, at the exact moment the latest customers leave, Emily's phone hums. She does not even try to resist picking it up.

Alison. Heart emojis next to her name. Ugh. Eye roll.

 _Seven PM at Parc Brasserie._

Mona's fingers hover over the phone for four seconds before she types back.

 _Okay, I'll see you there._

She waits for it to send then deletes both of the texts and sets the phone back where she found it. She smiles at an elderly woman who comes in to buy a Danish and green tea, a disgusting combination that Mona does not comment on.

Emily returns with pastries and gets to work, checking her phone over and over. She looks increasingly more miserable as the day drags on, and, after their dual shift ends, Mona turns to Emily.

"I'm sorry about your dinner plans," Mona smoothly purrs, removing her apron.

"It's fine. I'm sure she's just busy," Emily says, but she does not wholly believe herself, and Mona certainly does not believe her.

Mona casually suggests, seizing the opportunity she created, "We could go somewhere if that cheers you up."

Emily blinks back her tears and nods. "I guess it can't hurt. I'll get her something to-go."

"Mhm."

[X]

An hour later, Emily sits at dinner with Mona and has a shocking amount of fun. She is smiling while they order dessert, but, suddenly, the happiness vanishes when a certain blonde unexpectedly walks through the door.

Alison has walked to the restaurant to grab dinner, since she just sat in a restaurant for over an hour waiting for Emily. She decided to pick up food for them both and eat at home. Then she sees it; one of the worst sights in history.

"What's this?" demands a voice Emily does not expect.

"What's what?" Mona sweetly asks, batting her eyelashes in Alison's direction.

Irate, Alison demands, "Em, did you seriously blow me off to have dinner with _her_?"

Emily gently grabs Alison's soft arm. "Ali, please calm down. You never texted me where we were going."

"Yes, I did. And you texted me back!" Alison exasperatedly says, and then she whips around to face Mona. "Do not say anything. I am five seconds away from murdering you." She turns around again. "Not you, Em. Just her."

Emily says as calmly as possible, "This is really obviously just a misunderstanding. I had my phone on me all day and night and I didn't get a single text. Not even from my mom. Maybe…"

She does not have an explanation for it except one and she refuses to accept that. It would not happen. Emily hopes it would not happen, at least.

Alison shakes her head. "She is _obviously_ trying to steal you from me and I don't know why you can't see that. You think she's above whatever she did to ruin our date."

Mona says, "I have one very good reason why I'm not trying to steal Emily from you. Emily is not a possession. She is a person."

Emily irritably remarks, "Slight hypocrisy," and Alison nods which makes Emily add, "from both of you."

"That doesn't matter!" Alison snarls, tears in her eyes. "She's trying to steal you and I can't believe you don't see it! You're just a pawn in her game, okay? That's it! Wake up!"

Emily grinds her teeth. Mona remains placid, too placid.

Alison demands, "Say something."

Emily at first purses her lips, but then, "I'm going home. You two can work out the bill," says Emily, standing up and grabbing her purse.

Alison does not need to be told that Emily does not mean _her_ home.

[X]

An hour later, sitting in her childhood bedroom, Emily's heart skips a beat when she receives a text. That always happens. She picks it up and sees a video, which makes her uneasy, until she presses it and sees a sleek black cat clumsily fumbling with a chip bag stuck on its head. It is captioned ' _Lola tries Doritos for the first time_.'

Before she can type, _That's so cute_ , she gets another text from the same person.

 _I haven't been entirely honest with you,_ it reads. Emily closes her eyes and sighs. Her phone buzzes and so she opens them again. _You left your phone on the counter at work when you got the text from Alison. I promise I tried to resist but I deleted it so you would go to dinner with me instead. In my defense, I thought she would never find out and I didn't expect her to barge through the door._

Emily tries to think of a response, but instead throws her phone onto her bed and walks downstairs to be as far away from it as possible.

"Are you okay?" asks her mom.

Emily rubs her face. "Yeah. Just drama, like I never got out of high school."

"Anything I can help with?" Pam kindly offers.

Emily pauses, then shakes her head. "No."

"Anything you want to talk about?" asks Pam, not willing to give up until Emily is open with her.

"I…" Emily does not know how to possibly describe this situation, so she just shakes her head. "I got in a fight with Ali and Mona. Or, well, they got in a fight about me."

"What was the fight over?" Pam sits down and Emily sits across from her.

"Mona lied so she could take me to dinner and Ali got jealous. Very unattractively jealous. Neither of them… they're not very honest. Ali is a really good friend and I've been in love with her forever but Mona understands me and my situation and I'm really confused about her. I feel kind of like they're both just using me to get at each other."

Pam says earnestly, "Then don't go for either. No one says you have to choose."

"They do. What if I lose their friendships because of it?"

"If you lose their friendships by not choosing between them, they aren't the kind of people you want to be friends with."

"Yeah." Emily is not convinced.

"They've both hurt you a lot in the past."

"Yeah." Emily _is_ convinced of that.

Pam comfortingly rests her hand on her daughter's arm.

"You can stay here as long as you want. Moving in with Ali was very rushed, even if you weren't having relationship issues."

"I know. I just thought we were ready."

Pam hugs her.

It helps a little bit.

[X]

After a long evening of thought, Emily drives to Alison's house. She knows it is not her fault, and she knows it might have been reasonable for her to be so angry, and, most of all, she knows she cannot break Alison's heart by abandoning her right now. The jumping to conclusions still annoys Emily, but she wants to give Ali another chance before she runs.

She struggles to control her breathing as she drives. She knows she should pull over and compose herself, but then she might change her mind and run away.

Once she arrives at Ali's, Alison walks out of the house barefoot and in a blue kimono bathrobe, her hair still damp from the shower or bath.

"Are you just here to get your stuff or…?" Alison seems so uneasy that it throws Emily off guard. She does not know what to expect tonight.

"The second one," says Emily. Ali smiles. "But I need to ask you something first."

"Maybe this is a weird question but… do you love me back?"

Alison blanches. She thinks for a long while, leaving Emily anxiously holding on.

"Maybe," she finally says, eyes downcast.

That is not that answer Emily would like to hear. It only serves to make everything twice as complicated, and cause her heart to ache.

Emily gazes at Alison. She was going to leave if she got another indecisive answer, but she finds that she cannot. Her legs will not move and neither will her heart. She cannot give up on this dream so easily, or give up on someone she loves over something so petty.

"Baby steps then," Emily suggests, walking forward and gently holding Alison's wrists.

"Baby steps," agrees her girlfriend.

They both walk inside.

[X]

The next morning at work, Emily cannot stand to look at the girl who betrayed her. But Mona breaks the silence after a torturous two hours.

"Are you mad?" she asks, despite already knowing the answer. "You look mad."

"Mad is the smallest word for what I am." Pause. "But I forgive you."

"Why?" Mona asks, stunned.

Emily calmly but sternly explains, "Because I should have expected a stab in the back, and because I'm not going to let anger at other people rule my life." _I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul._

Mona just nods, knowing it is unwise to argue.

She leaves Emily alone for the rest of the day.

[X]

That night, Alison does her homework on the living room floor while Emily sits on the sofa, engrossed in the bright light of her laptop.

"Ali," says Emily, looking up and capturing her girlfriend's attention. "Why are you so quiet tonight?"

Alison bitterly frowns and explains, "Because you're gone all day at that coffee shop with _her_."

"You really don't have anything to worry about," Emily insists in earnest. "It's not like I'm interested in her." Less honest, but she knows it is partially true.

"You ran away from me because of her."

"I didn't run away from either of you. I ran from my… my worries, I guess."

Alison sits down on the coffee table across from Emily.

"I think you should quit that job," she says. "There are other places for you to work."

"Please don't be this way," Emily says. "You don't have any reason to be jealous."

"Will you always love me?"

It is so… unconfident. Not very like Alison and Emily knits her brow.

"Of course," says Emily. "I even loved you when you were dead."

Alison dares to whisper what she has kept inside for a long, long time. "Did you love me more when I was dead?"

Emily's eyes flash wide and her lips subtly part, her heart pounds like a hammer in her chest. Alison keeps gazing directly into her eyes.

"Of course not," Emily vehemently insists once she collects herself. "We're going slow and that's okay, because I won't leave you."

"But you won't quit your job for me," Ali says, eyes brimming with bitterness.

Emily fears standing up for herself like this, but she knows she must. Hard is it may be, she says. "I shouldn't have to. I trust you; trust me."

Alison stares at the floor. "It's hard to trust you when you're obviously in love with someone else. Just tell me the truth."

"We kissed," Emily reluctantly admits, deciding she needs this honesty right now to prove she will not cheat. "Only once. It was nothing."

"That isn't nothing!" Alison exclaims.

Emily stands up. Alison remains rooted in place. "Please don't talk to me that way."

Tears sparkle in Ali's eyes and Emily feels even more unnerved by the situation. Emily wants to hug her but does not at the same time. She remains riddled with indecision when Alison speaks.

"I'm sorry," she says, her voice constricted with emotion. "I'm not jealous because I want you to be unhappy. Everybody in my life goes away in the end. Everybody leaves me eventually."

"I'm not going to. But I'm not quitting my job either." Emily kisses Ali's forehead and her heart races as she whispers, "Just promise you won't leave me again. No running off to Paris when you get bored of me."

As Emily straightens her back, Alison smirks and shakes her head.

"If I run away to Paris, I'll take you with me."

[X]

Mona does not show up for work today, or the day after it, or the next, or the next. By the fourth day, Emily is too worried about Mona to care about Alison's jealousy.

"Hey, Ezra," asks Emily as brightly and casually as she can when he walks downstairs into the café. "Do you know if Mona is sick or…?"

Not dead. Please not dead.

"She called in saying she had the flu. I don't know if I should believe her or not but she's good at her job," Ezra says, messing with his sleeve.

"Oh." Emily feels narcissistic when she wonders if Mona is lying just to avoid facing her. Self-centered as it is, Emily has a hunch that that is the case.

Therefore, after work, she drives to Mona's house. For several minutes she sits in her car tightly gripping the steering wheel while she works up the courage to go knock on the door. At last, she gets out of the car and walks to the front door. Knowing full well she will probably regret this, she knocks twice on the door. Mona's mom answers and Lola the Black Cat loudly yowls.

"Emily?" the older woman asks, clearly puzzled.

Before Emily can come up with some kind of excuse, Mona walks down the stairs. She carries herself like a princess despite her tangled hair and panda print pajama pants.

"Hi," says Mona. "You can come in."

Emily does so. Mona's mom picks up Lola and vanishes into the living room.

"You went missing. I was worried," Emily earnestly says, locking eyes with Mona. She looks so strange without the drastic and beautiful eye make-up, but beautiful nonetheless.

Mona says, "Of course you were. You're too sweet for your own good or anyone else's."

"Will you come back soon? I miss you." Emily means that too, and Mona tries to see it.

Yet, not quite believing her, Mona says nothing. Emily knows that is probably a bad sign.

"I don't understand why you could possibly want me to be within ten feet of you. This sounds like pity and I don't need it or want it," Mona says, crossing her arms.

Emily insists, reaching forward but stopping just short of touching her, "It's not pity. I wouldn't be here if I didn't want you to come back. I would've asked earlier but I kind of have a jealous girlfriend and I figured you'd come back sooner."

Silence.

Mona uncrosses her arms and asks, "Do you want to come upstairs? My mother is listening."

Emily nods. "Yeah, I guess."

They walk upstairs and step into Mona's room. She notices some definite changes. Green became lily white. Empty shelves clearly covered with the same paint as the walls. Parisian print became a comforter and pillows in shades of white and light grey.

 _Stop looking at the bed! This is why Alison doesn't trust you._

Mona sits down at the foot of it, sparing Emily the awkwardness.

"Your room looks nice," lies Emily.

"I was going to make it all a kind of crystal and white centered shabby chic, maybe add some floral things, white roses in a jar…" says Mona. "It fell through."

"That would look really good," Emily says, glancing around and visualizing it.

"I should apologize for what I did," Mona says at last. "I _will_ apologize for what I did. It was on impulse and driven by envy. Those are very hard emotions to fight."

"Thank you," Emily says, stuffing her hands in her pockets to avoid reaching out again.

Silence.

Endless silence.

Finally, Emily says, "When you took me to see the meteor shower… that was the happiest I've been in a really long time. I've been pretty miserable, so much that I can't remember the last thing everything was okay and I felt normal."

Mona admits, "Yeah, your life kind of is one punch in the face after another. But so are a lot of people's. You are more normal than you think you are."

"I doubt it. Everybody else got a happily ever after. Why didn't I?"

"Oh, come on. It's not that serious. We're only twenty-one."

Emily abruptly loses all patience. "My nickname should be the Girl Who Luck Forgot!"

"Emily, as your occasional friend, I feel I should warn you that you're about to go into a downward spiral of self-pity again."

Emily shouts, "You almost ruined my relationship; I have earned the right to wallow!"

Mona clinically says, "Would it be so bad if I ruined your relationship? It's not a very good one. I can think of at least one person who is better for you, if not two or three."

"List them," Emily softly requests.

Mona holds up three fingers and counts them off. "Hanna, Sabrina from work… me."

Emily protests, "Alison and I have a history."

"So do you and Hanna. And you and me! We have a history."

"Are you interested in me?"

"Are you stupid? I think I've made my intentions extremely clear."

Emily throws her arms up. "I can't tell. Girls are hard to tell with. They're all so flirty and most of them aren't gay."

"Do most of them make out with you?"

"It wasn't making out. It was a few kisses. Don't call it making out."

"Fine. It wasn't making out," Mona says with a shrug. "But it did mean something; it means you have a crush on me, even though you're romantically entangled with Alison. What are you going to do about it?"

"That's a big question," Emily says.

Mona raises her eyebrows. "You have to figure it out eventually, don't you?"

"I guess I do. But not right now."

"I won't make you choose if you're not ready. But I will say that if you were one hundred percent certain about Alison, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

Emily decides to finally ask, "Is this out of spite? Are you using me to get to her?"

"No." Mona shakes her head. Emily takes a deep breath. "And if you're going to not believe my answer, you probably should've never asked."

Rubbing her arm, Emily wonders what to say. Her mind races with a thousand possible comments and a trillion actions, but she cannot realize a single one.

"I want to go back to working with you," Emily at last says, hating herself for how much she means it. "Maybe we could start there."

Mona nods.

Emily escapes.

[X]

After leaving Mona's house, as soon as Emily gets in her car, she drives a block and then pulls over. She scrolls through the contacts on her phone and presses on the one she searches for.

 _Ring, ring, ring._

Finally, an answer: _"Hello?"_

"Hey, Hanna, I… kind of need help."

 _"_ _What kind of help?"_

"You know that love triangle that I thought I was imagining? It's now a real love triangle and I'm kind of in need of an impartial support system."

 _"_ _When did it become a real love triangle?"_

Emily attempts to figure out the right words to explain the past few days and settles on, "It's kind of a long story."

 _"_ _I look forward to hearing it and I'll be there because I love you and will take any excuse to skip class. I'll be there tomorrow afternoon."_

"Thank you."

"Bye."

"Bye."

Click.

* * *

 ** _A/N:_** _This will not become a love square; I promise. Haleb all the way, y'all! And as for the poem Ezra gave Emily, that was a bit of my personal touch, I guess. An old teacher of mine sent me that poem and it saved my life; I thought perhaps it could help Emily become stronger in herself and take control over her own life and her two suitors. Anyway, thank you for reading and I hope you're enjoying the show._


	4. Chapter 4

**IV**

* * *

Emily sits at Hanna's house, her head resting on the counter. A cup of coffee rests near her face, partially obscuring her view of her dear friend.

"I love Ali with all of my heart," Emily continues after explaining the entire complex story, "but sometimes she makes me feel trapped. She demanded that I quit my job because she's jealous of Mona. And even though she's said some beautiful things, she still won't say if she loves me or not."

"Has Mona said that?" Hanna asks, leaning forward.

Emily shakes her head, rubbing her cheek against the countertop tile. "No, but it's way too early for her to even think about saying that. Ali and I have been off and on again for a thousand years. If she doesn't love me by now, I don't know if she ever will. Does she just want to collect me? Pin me on a wall like a butterfly?"

Hanna's expression sours. "Okay, one, what kind of sicko pins butterflies to the walls? Two, we've got some cons on Ali, what are the cons on Mona?"

"Everything about her." Emily sighs.

"So, can I ask if there are any pros?"

"Everything about her." Emily closes her eyes.

"Helpful." Hanna squints.

"This would be easier if they weren't mortal enemies."

Hanna smiles, which seems inappropriate at the moment. "Yeah. You're like Bella in a lesbian _Twilight_ , it's so cool. Your decision is gonna be _hard_."

"Why do I even have to make a decision?" Emily asks, wishing that neither were a box to check in this situation.

Hanna voices the obvious by saying, "Because you're in a love triangle, duh. You have to pick one of them."

"That's a lot of pressure."

"What's the worst that can happen?

"A lifetime of misery."

Hanna shakes her head. "You're not choosing which one to _marry_. You're choosing which one to _date_. I dated people for like two days in the past. If you only had to tolerate two days with either Ali or Mona, who would you choose?"

"Is it a two day vacation or two days of all day dates or picnics or what?"

Silence.

"Yeah. You're really confused," remarks Hanna, rubbing her friend's back.

"I know that," Emily huffily says, squeezing her eyes shut.

"Okay, Alison is jealous and Mona is conniving. Which of those fatal flaws do you prefer?"

"Neither! Those are my two biggest turn-offs."

"Jealousy and… connivery?"

"Yes. Jealous people make me feel like I'm suffocating and I've been manipulated for years of my life. It's not something I ever want again."

"Okay, fine, what made you fall for them both?"

"I don't even remember with Ali. It just feels like always. Mona told me her darkest secret and I panicked and kissed her."

"Her darkest secret? Is that the one about how when she used to get chronic nosebleeds she once—"

" _Hanna_! Focus."

"Fine. The best thing to do is to tell Alison you're feeling confused and you need to take a break from your relationship to figure things out. If she really loves you, she'll understand."

"What if she never comes back?"

"Then I guess she didn't love you all that much."

"Who would _you_ choose?"

"I don't think I should make that decision for you. I mean, it's been literally painful to watch you and Ali go back and forth forever and if you finally stuck it out as a couple I'd support it, but I saw how you and Mona looked at each other at the Halloween party, plus I worry about both of you and I'd worry less if you had each other. I'm totally deadlocked too."

"So now what?"

"You're in luck. I have a genius plan." A wicked smile spreads across Hanna's beautiful face. "You should take both of them on a date."

Emily skeptically replies, "I don't think they'd get along."

" _No_. Like, they each get a separate date. Then you can see who you like better!"

"I might be confused, but I'm _not_ cheating on Ali."

"Then it's a platonic day out with Mona where you gauge your feelings. You have platonic days out with your other friends."

"I guess a platonic day out wouldn't be a bad thing. But I don't want it misconstrued by anyone, so we should probably go as far out of town as possible for it."

"Good." Hanna smiles.

[X]

If Hanna had to choose one of the girls for Emily, she would choose Mona, _but_ it has to be Emily's decision. And so, Hanna does the responsible thing and decides to make this date _perfect_ so that Emily will make the right choice.

Hanna walks into Mona's room and wishes she brought a gift. Something cute for this extremely blank and empty bedroom. She stands atop a dried splatter of white paint on the floor that no one bothered to do anything about. That is _nothing_ like Mona, which makes Hanna uneasy, and makes her certain that coming here was the right decision.

Mona asks, quick to get to the point, "Explain why you're helping me with this."

"Because I saw you two at the Halloween party. I never would've supported this before then because I know how much she and Ali love each other, but the way you two looked at each other said it all. You two are both my friends, you're both hurting, and I think you can help each other stop hurting. So now let me make sure this date is perfect."

"Okay. Where is the date?"

"Platonic day out," corrects Hanna, because Emily would never cheat on Alison.

Mona rolls her eyes, because she thinks, _yes_ , Emily would cheat on Alison. " _Fine_. Where is the _platonic day out_ you're treating like a date?"

Hanna proudly explains, "We're going on a day trip to Rhinebeck and you'll have cute lunch and cute shopping and go to the Vanderbilt Mansion and gardens."

"That's… adorable, I guess." Mona does not give much more of an opinion on the matter.

Hanna eagerly adds, "And during the drive, I can make sure your conversation goes smoothly. It's perfect. Plus, Alison won't accidentally show up like on your last date."

"You've put a lot of thought into this," remarks Mona, impressed.

"I know. It was my idea so I get to pick your outfit."

"That is not a rule. That has never been a rule."

"I'm going to be as nice about this as possible but ever since you left college you only wear cardigans and camisoles and you need to wear something special for your date with Emily."

Mona sharply explains, "Cardigans and camisoles are easy."

"See why I think you need a love life? Cardigans and camisoles are boring and I'm kind of scared for you right now. You have a closet of beautiful clothes I'm super jealous of and you're wearing a plain white cami with toothpaste on it, a purple cardigan and _jeggings_. I'm worried."

"This doesn't have toothpaste on it." Mona refuses to look down; Hanna decides not to press any further. "Maybe it's paint."

Hanna chooses not to point out how much worse that is and instead asks, "From all the painting you do?"

"I painted this room."

"Yeah. I'm also eventually redecorating with you but right now we have to focus on making Emily choose you instead of Alison."

"Why are you on my side?"

"Because I care about Emily, and in this case, you're the lesser of two devils."

"Two evils."

"Same thing. Okay, I'm liking the purple even if I'm not liking the sum of all pieces."

"All parts."

"Okay, this blue floral dress is perfection, and do you still have that silky dark blue belt?"

"Possibly."

"Okay, that's a maybe then. Sky blue pumps, of course. Dark blue leather clutch purse even though the buckle is kind of ugly. Stark red lips, dark black eyelashes. You'll look so good you will win this love triangle the minute you walk through the door."

"I don't think the love triangle is about _winning_."

"Yeah. It is. A love triangle is basically a contest and you love winning. That's like your favorite thing to do. But Emily _really_ thinks it's platonic so don't let her, y'know, _know_."

"She knows I'm interested in her, or else this love triangle wouldn't exist."

"Right. So, your playdate is going to be the perfect opportunity to make her fall in love with you so just follow my lead."

"I can't believe I'm trusting you with this."

But Mona does.

[X]

At Alison's house, the two inhabitants sit at a take-out dinner. Ali watches how little Emily eats and worries deeply about her, but she knows it will offend her sort-of-dating-person if she mentions it.

"Ali," says Emily, trying to work up her courage, "I'm going on a day trip tomorrow."

"Where?" Alison innocently asks with a flutter of her eyelashes.

"New York. I need to get away from Rosewood and everything here for a bit."

"Okay. Who are you going with?" Alison smiles, but it does not hide her unease.

Emily begins to be honest, seeing as it is not a romantic day trip, but she ends up saying, "Hanna and Caleb."

Ali nods. "Alright. Do you want me to come?"

"I would, but things have been so awkward since the restaurant that I think I need to get away from romance and just do something platonic. I don't want to hurt your feelings, though."

"You're not." Alison offers a half-faux smile. "I hope you guys have fun."

Emily hastily offers, "Maybe we could have a movie night at the real movies the day after I get back. We could go to the Spectre and get those homemade cupcakes they sell."

"Sounds fun." She kisses Emily on the cheek.

Emily blushes, then feels like she might throw up when Alison walks away.

She did not consider the strange crush on Mona to be cheating. People feel that way even if in a happy relationship, but now Emily is lying and going on secret dates.

Emily is a terrible person and she wonders if she should break up with Alison before she can hurt her worse than it ever was vice versa.

[X]

The next day, when Mona glides on her navy leather heels to Hanna's car, she sees Emily waiting on the driveway, looking anxious. She wears a loose soft light green short dress with a belt string cinching it in at the waist. It goes with her brown leather boots, maroon purse and nature invoking green jewelry.

"You look amazing," remarks Emily, smiling. She catches herself and worries that she will turn this friends day out into something romantic. Emily cannot afford to do that.

Hanna shoots Mona a glance, as if to say, _I told you so._

"Thank you," Mona says, returning the smile.

Hanna now realizes how much work she is going to have to do to be a successful matchmaker. Then again, it might be fun. She has never before tried her hand at it.

"We just need to pick up Caleb and we'll start our road trip." Hanna loops her elbow with Emily's and guides her into the car. She ushers the two allegedly platonic girls into the back seat and starts driving.

Once they reach Hanna's mostly long-distance boyfriend, he stands outside of the car and peers inside. Hanna invited him under entirely false pretenses and he decides to comment.

"When you said we were going on a day trip," calmly says Caleb, "you forgot to mention we were going on a double date with Beauty and the Beast."

"They're fun. They're very fun people and this'll be an awesome trip," Hanna insists as Caleb adjusts his jacket and sits down in the passenger seat.

"I love you enough to do this," says Caleb, smirking to himself and suppressing a laugh.

Hanna smiles. "I know."

[X]

The first half of the trip goes well. Hanna facilitates conversation like an expert, but things stay merely friendly. They stop at a gas station and Caleb goes inside to get drinks while Hanna takes care of the car. Emily and Mona sit in awkward silence.

Caleb walks to the car and hands Emily a blue canned tea with a picture of an Eskimo woman on it, sets down a traditional green tea for Hanna on her seat, then settles his energy drink in the center console. Emily begins to snap open his tea when he hands Mona what he settled on.

She glares at him.

He stares back. "Is there something wrong with the tea you asked for?"

Mona smoothly says, pointing at the tall can, "Well, that has a hibiscus flower on it and I'm allergic to hibiscus."

Caleb looks at the can, then back at her. "What kind of allergy?"

"My throat will close up and I will die. Look at how much I trust you for telling you that."

"I'm not going to murder you with hibiscus tea," he says, already exasperated.

Mona lists, "Or lotion. Or the flowers themselves probably. Maybe a floral crown?"

"I'm not going to murder you with hibiscus in any form."

Mona teases, further frustrating the poor boy, "It's a perfect crime. It would just look like I accidentally didn't check the ingredients."

"Do you want to trade?" Emily offers. "Unless you're allergic to… whatever a snowberry is."

Mona bats her eyelashes at Emily, which makes her heart drop into her stomach. "Thank you. See how nice she is? You could be that nice."

Emily smiles.

[X]

An hour away from Rhinebeck, in the car, conversation dies down, and Mona dares ask, "How did you get your jealous girlfriend to agree to this?"

"I told her I was just going with Hanna and Caleb," Emily admits, hanging her head.

Mona says without restraint, "I know we've been _overly_ clear about this just being as _friends_ , but once you're lying about it, it's cheating. You know that, don't you?"

Emily states what Mona should already know. "I never once said I was a good person. I really don't think I am."

Hanna quickly inserts herself into the conversation with, "But Ali isn't sure, and Emily isn't sure, and nobody's sure so let's just call it a weird situation where those rules don't apply."

Before Emily or Mona can say a word, Caleb interjects, "Wait. Wait a minute. No one said Emily already had a girlfriend."

Hanna replies, "It's not relevant right now."

"Okay," says Caleb, "I've never claimed to have a perfect moral compass but I'm pretty sure if you have a girlfriend you're not supposed to go on dates with other people."

Hanna insists, "They're technically just friends and this isn't a date. Just because they have a mutual crush doesn't mean they aren't still officially just friends."

"If they were definitely just friends, Emily wouldn't have to lie to her _girlfriend_. That's exactly when it becomes cheating."

Emily begins to feel sick again. She _knows_ this is wrong but she desperately wants to pretend that it is not.

Hanna sighs. "Even if this _were_ cheating, which it isn't because Mona and Emily are just _friends_ who kissed once _,_ we've done way worse things."

"Why are you so okay with this? Isn't Alison your friend?" Caleb asks, more and more disgusted by the minute.

Hanna protests, "Mona is my friend too."

Caleb retorts, "Mona isn't Emily's girlfriend."

Mona interjects, "Mona is sitting right here."

Emily interrupts, "I know this is wrong. I feel horrible about it."

And Caleb asks, "Then why are you doing it?"

Emily admits, "I don't have a good answer for that."

Hanna therefore answers for her, "Because she's in the middle of a love triangle and wants to make an informed decision."

"Okay, Hanna," says Caleb, trying to explain the situation in a better fashion, "if _I_ were in a love triangle, and Emily and Mona drove me to another state so you couldn't find me while I go on a date with the other girl, what would your reaction be?"

Hanna tenses her fingers on the steering wheel. "I would kill you."

"Yeah," Caleb says.

Emily quietly asks, "Can we have the radio?"

Hanna quickly obliges.

[X]

They sit in a cute French café. Even in the bright day, it is somehow dimly lit. No one wants to eat outside in the freezing cold, and so the hostess takes them to a table in the corner, beneath a beautiful painting of France.

"Do we have to share a table with them?" Mona asks softly, turning to Emily.

"Yes," Emily replies. It makes her feel less like this is romantic.

She sits down.

Mona protests as the hostess hands her a menu, "You realize Caleb is going to continue going on his moral tirade while we try to eat."

Emily admits, "Yes."

"Okay." Mona shrugs, trying to show that she can be flexible and think of people other than herself.

Caleb casually looks up from his menu. "I'm not continuing my _moral tirade_. You both apparently know what you're doing and I'll let you deal with your own consequences."

"So… what was your favorite book as a kid?" Emily asks, recalling the list of questions she wrote in the notes on her phone when she worried there would be nothing to talk about.

Mona purses her lips in thought, and then decides to just bluntly asks, "Do you want the honest answer or one that's… more suitable?"

Caleb interjects, "What was it, _The Silence of the Lambs_?"

" _The Westing Game_ , thank you." Mona shoots a glare his way.

"What's that?" Emily asks, leaning forward, ignoring her menu.

Mona explains with a light in her eyes that Hanna has not seen in a thousand years. "We had to read it for that advanced class I went to in elementary school and it's basically about this old crazy guy with tons of money who dies and leaves a will where his money goes to whoever solves his murder but then in the end it turns out he's alive."

Emily decides not to comment too much on that. It is kind of beautiful how she sparkles when she speaks about things she loves and that scares Emily; she just found out that she is officially having an affair and it makes her sick.

She just awkwardly says, "Mine was _Time Warp Trio_."

Emily's phone rings. She picks it up to reply to Alison.

 _"_ _How's your trip going?"_ Ali asks.

"Fun. We just finished driving and got to the restaurant," Emily softly says.

 _"_ _How long did the drive take?"_

"There was a lot of traffic," Emily says. That is true, but she still worries Alison could hear guilt in her voice.

 _"_ _Oh. The internet said there was no traffic. Where are you having lunch?"_

"This—this feels a little like an interrogation. I don't mean to…"

 _"_ _No, no,"_ Ali says, laughing. _"I get it. It does. Can I talk to Hanna? She's with you, right? You said she was going with you."_

Emily holds out her phone to her friend. "Ali wants to talk to you."

Hanna accepts the phone, although she suddenly is beginning to understand why Caleb feels so iffy about this. She stands up and goes to have a cheery call outside in the cold sun.

Mona inquires, "Why is she so clingy lately?"

Emily collapses and admits, "Because she's afraid I'm cheating on her with you."

Mona replies, "Which you _are_ doing."

Emily rests her head on the table. "I know. But it's just to see if I want to leave her for you. Does that make it better?"

"Not at all. In fact, it probably makes it worse, but I am flattered by this effort."

"I shouldn't be putting in this effort. I'm going to feel horrible when I go back to Ali and—"

"Her curiously oppressive brand of love?"

"I was going to say _and remember why I love her so much._ "

"Then why are you doing this?"

"Because I'm a bad person."

"If it helps, I don't think you're a bad person. I think the two of us have dragged you down to our level. On the plus side, our level has a fantastic view."

"Of the gutter?" Emily mirthlessly laughs.

Caleb remarks, "Definitely the gutter. I'm actually amazed at how much I want to wash my hands just from listening to this."

"Maybe if you used a napkin you wouldn't have that problem."

"Maybe if you didn't hit on other people's girlfriends—"

Hanna sits down again and hands Emily her phone. "I got the third degree but I handled it."

Caleb gives up; he does not think he is going to make much of a difference in this situation.

[X]

Emily walks with Mona through the Vanderbilt Mansion on their tour. It impresses Emily; she truly likes this chunk of history and the work of art that the house is. She finds she has disregarded her feelings of self-loathing and desire to undo what she has done to Ali, and now she watches how Mona observes everything all at once, how her eyes flicker over the décor and land on the most beautiful pieces.

As they walk upstairs to the bedrooms, Emily leans against the wall and watches Mona rest her hand on velvet rope. Her rotund eyes look up and fixate on Emily's, these beautiful dark stories hiding behind them and Emily tries not to look too long for fear of wondering about them. This pull between them feels wrong when Emily finally has the love she waited her whole life for. But it exists and is undeniable.

She wants to read those thoughts and memories like pages in a favorite adolescent book and enter the pages to lie beside the girl at all the moments she was lonely.

Emily wants to undo the undoable.

Trying to break the beautiful silence, "This is gaudy," Emily remarks as she studies one of the rooms, her hand gently resting on the velvet rope.

"It's Rococo," explains Mona. "That's the style of art and décor from before the French Revolution, when the Neoclassical movement began, I think. Or was it Baroque?"

"I understand none of that, so I will take your word for it." Emily smiles and avoids Mona's eyes and how they suck her in like a tornado.

Mona asks, as more awkward first date talk, "Do you like these rooms? Which one can you see yourself in?"

Emily thinks for a moment and decides, "I guess the lounge downstairs with the bookshelves."

Mona lightly laughs. "Where you would smoke cigars and talk politics?"

"Sure." Emily rubs her lips together and then smiles. "How about you?"

"The same one, except I would lock myself in there and write novels."

They walk together back down the stairs and drift through the heart of the manor.

"What's your favorite season?" Mona asks.

"Summer," Emily replies.

"Winter," says Mona as the tour ends and they must walk down the stairs back into the main room of the mansion.

"Okay, I get to ask a question," Emily says while the tour guide says his concluding words. "If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be?"

Mona does not hesitate to reply, "Everywhere."

"And what's your favorite monument in _everywhere_?"

"I always was kind of fond of the Colosseum in Rome. I wonder if you can still feel the energy of the crowds if you walk through the ruins of the stands." Mona closes her eyes for a moment and Emily forgets how to breathe.

Emily has no more words, no more questions. She cannot turn away, so Mona must do it first as the tour guide ushers everyone out of the priceless manor.

"It would be fun to rob this place," says Mona teasingly.

"It's a date," Emily replies. "I'll get my favorite burglary kit and we'll sneak in tonight."

"Oh, but your favorite burglary kit is so subpar. I always preferred the purple one."

"But the purple is so noticeable."

"Purple blends into nighttime," Mona smoothly argues, a gleam in her eyes.

Silence.

"Wanna go to the gardens? It's a short walk."

Mona looks down at her feet and the soaking grass. "Thank God I am wearing my rain boots, because this mud is depressing."

Emily does not care much about how wet her Converses are.

The garden is incredible. The crumbling yet preserved architecture is beautiful. An artificial pond glimmers not far from the stairs they walk down, with an Asian inspired set of arches forming a semicircle atop the pavement. The black roofs and red columns have been chipped and ravaged by time, but that only adds to their loveliness.

Once they walk past it, they turn and see a straight path leading to another Asian-esque arch, lined with colorful flowers and flowering shrubs.

Emily turns to Mona. "Hanna is good at thinking of dates. I was gonna suggest laser tag or swimming."

Thoughtfully, Mona says, "I'm not a laser tag person. I do like swimming. People who don't are weird. I one time sophomore year threw this pool party and I invited everyone except Anna Brewer because I wanted to spite her and took tons of pictures and posted them online so she could see them."

Emily comments, trying to be as lighthearted as possible, "I also wasn't invited."

Mona hesitates for a moment before she says truthfully, "You were. You just didn't come."

Emily's heart skips a beat. "Oh. I'm sorry. I guess I forgot." She is telling the truth. "But it's not like we've ever gotten along until twoish weeks ago."

"No, we haven't. But sometimes the best friendships start as hatred. They always did for me."

"I don't really hate people so I can't say."

"You might've never said you were a good person, but sometimes upon occasion you can be one," Mona says.

"Upon occasion?"

Slyly, Mona inquires, "Would you like me to turn the settings down?"

Emily smiles to herself.

"No."

"Then don't whine when I'm honest with you."

"I'm going in the pond."

"Don't do that. It's gross in there. You don't know what's in there."

"I'm going in the pond," Emily repeats, slipping out of her shoes. She walks across the stone and steps into the water. It is deeper than she thought it was, and is even colder than the freezing air. She shivers and silently laments the damp bottom of her dress. "The water is great!"

"I would literally rather be pecked to death by a herd of hummingbirds."

"Why?"

"Germs. My nice clothes. You name it."

"Oh, come on!" Emily splashes the water. It is _dirty_ but she kind of does not care today.

"We're going to get in trouble, and I swear, if the cops come, I'm going to run and you can take the fall."

Emily wades out of the water.

Their lips meet again and again and she forgets to hate herself for it.

[X]

The next day, Emily wakes in Ali's house feeling sick. Her date with Mona was amazing, but walking out of Jason's former room and down the stairs and seeing Ali making coffee reminds her of what she has done. Emily's past is dotted ruthlessly with moments she is not proud of, but nothing has ever made her feel worse than what she did yesterday.

Ali is so beautiful in the morning. The most beautiful thing Emily has ever seen in her entire life, and she might lose it over a single foolish date.

Emily thinks she might throw up.

"Hey," says Alison, pouring herself a cup and flashing a trusting smile that Emily knows she does not deserve. Alison is a warm endless summer and Emily should live forever in an icy wasteland, unable to seek shelter from the cold. "Are you ready for our date tonight?"

"Yeah," Emily replies, thinking of a double movie date with Hanna and Caleb like they were not just doing something horrid together. "The Spectre cupcakes await us."

She forces a smile.

"You don't look happy. We can stay in," Ali sweetly and earnestly offers.

Emily says, half-honestly, "No. I just was thinking about arrivals and departures again."

"About wanting to see it all?"

"The whole world. Every building and tourist trap and blade of grass and little butterfly."

Ali says, walking towards Emily and touching her hand. "Well, the Spectre Movie Theatre is a part of the world. We could start there."

Skin against skin. It, like it always has, evokes a thousand feelings that have no names because they are too complicated for any language to express.

But she also feels in that touch that they both are not the same people anymore. They never will be and Emily knows that the rush of cold and slightly discomfort testifies to that.

Even if, in the past, they were never together, Alison was always the one who got away. And now, Emily could have had her back, but she thinks she might have lost her.

"Yeah." Emily smiles. "I'm sorry for being so… I'm just sorry."

"You apologize way too often," says Ali.

"I'm sorry," replies Emily without thinking.

Ali just flashes a winning smile. Emily looks at it and feels something nagging at the back of her throat, and then her stomach begins to contract, and before she knows it, she is doubled over hurling up acidic bile, tears squeezed from her eyes, marring the beautiful floor.

Neither girl has an appetite for cupcakes anymore.

Alison helps her clean up and Emily sits on the sofa, staring blankly forward, hating herself.

[X]

Emily heads to Hanna's house under pretense of getting ready for their date. She _will_. That is not a lie. She hopes it is not at least.

Standing in front of Hanna's closet, Emily asks, "Is Caleb going to tell Ali about Mona?"

"No. He was mad that I took him on that date, but he's not an asshole. You know that," says Hanna. "All we have to focus on is this dinner slash cute hipster movie theatre date and you'll know if you want Alison or Mona."

"Honestly, after yesterday, I kind of just feel more confused."

"You'll be unconfused by tomorrow morning."

"I hope so." Emily does not have much faith in this plan anymore.

"My plan is genius and it'll work. You just choose whoever you have more fun with."

"Relationships are about more than fun."

"You're overthinking this," chides Hanna. "You could also choose the better kisser but the dates are much more fun and comprehensive."

"I'm not choosing by the best kisser."

Hanna asks, "But who is it?"

"They're different!" Pause. "I'm sorry for yelling."

"It's okay. If you don't trust the date system or the kiss test, you could always have them fight to the death over you." Hanna smiles and playfully winks.

"I just don't want to hurt either of them."

Hanna softly smiles at Emily, a little sad, a little sympathetic, a little admiring. "I know you don't. That's why you're too good and pure for this world."

Emily says without thinking, "The world would be better without me."

Hanna drops the shoe she holds. " _Never_ say that."

"Do you believe in Heaven?" Emily asks and Hanna predictably looks stunned. "I never thought too much about death, unless you count my messed up head in the dollhouse. But do you? Do you believe in somewhere better after this?"

"I'm not ready for you to be anywhere I can't drive to for a surprise visit," Hanna says, attempting levity despite her fear.

"Not for me. For…"

"Your dad. Yeah. I bet he's somewhere really nice," Hanna says, trying her best. She knows she probably sounds silly with her platitudes.

"What if I never end up there with him? I'm not… I'm not a good person. What if I never see him again?"

"I don't know—I don't know what to say now—I don't know. Can I just hug you?" Hanna steps forward and embraces her close friend. Emily tries to hide her tears on Hanna's shoulder.

"Nothing is ever certain in my life."

"Well, I'm certain you're a good person and I'm certain you're one of my best friends in the entre Universe."

Silence. The hug breaks.

Emily asks as cheerily as she can muster, "What should I wear?"

[X]

Ali takes Emily to a dinner for just two before the movie. They step into the surprise restaurant and Emily tries to hide how dreadful she feels.

"Greek is your favorite, right?" Alison asks, eyeing Emily closely.

"Your favorite," Emily corrects, "but I'm fine with anything."

Alison briefly looks hurt. "But you like it, right?"

"I don't dislike it," Emily lies.

"Okay, good," Alison says, smiling.

Emily is happy she is happy. Even if this place smells so bad it gives Emily a headache, she feels the need to let Alison have the perfect date.

"I do like pita bread," says Emily in earnest.

She only eats bread tonight, but tries not to make it evident to Ali. She clearly is putting her all into the date. Emily listens intently while Alison talks about school and classes and the people there and everything in between.

Emily loves Ali's eyes. She cannot look away from them while she tries to follow the monologue. Occasionally, she attempts to talk, but Alison tends to bulldoze over it so Emily decides just to listen for the rest of the dinner.

"It's our first real date," says Ali, stopping to let Emily speak for the first time all night.

"Yeah," Emily replies. "It's exciting."

"It's tense," Ali admits.

Emily smiles. "It'll be fun. Hanna and Caleb will help."

"I'll make it perfect for you. I promise," insists Alison.

Emily thinks she might throw up again and the strong garlic smell is not helping.

The date is hard.

[X]

Emily struggles to look at Ali while they walk to the Spectre. It is a cute, hipster family owned cinema popular in Rosewood for its plush chairs and homemade cupcakes.

They walk in, grateful to escape the bitter autumn cold, and see Caleb and Hanna sitting on a window seat with intimate posture.

Alison holds Emily's hand and Emily's stomach twists. What she did yesterday haunts her. And, well, Ali holding her hand does not feel as warm and safe as it did once upon a time. Emily just does not know anymore and it scares her to death.

Even after all of these years, she could never put anyone above Alison. She wants her, needs her, and could never let her go.

But…

But she would not have done what she did yesterday if these strong feelings are still as clear and straightforward as they used to be.

Ali squeezes Emily's hand.

Emily tries to squeeze her back but the overwhelming guilt makes her feel weak.

Alison broke Emily's heart so many times, but that could never justify it happening the other way around.

"Ready?" Ali asks.

"Ready," lies Emily.

They meet up with Hanna and Caleb, and soon head to the concession stand.

"Care for cupcakes?" Ali asks, pulling her weathered favorite Juicy Couture wallet out of her purse.

"I can pay. I asked you out."

"But I want to be your sugar mama, Em. Did you not realize that by now?" jokes Alison.

"Well, then, of course," Emily says with a small smile. "I can't resist a tempting offer like that."

She knows it is probably because Ali pities her, but she struggles to deny Alison anything after Emily's horrible actions on her date in New York. She can still feel the kisses she shared with another girl on her lips. So, she accepts the cute cupcake and the black coffee that is so hot it burns the palm of her hand through the cup.

Ali bites into her cupcake while Caleb and Hanna order their own popcorn. When Alison kisses Emily, it tastes like chocolate frosting. She leans in and lets the kiss deepen.

"You two are too cute," remarks Hanna as Emily and Alison break apart. "That's the best part of double dates. The cuteness."

As they walk towards their theatre, Emily wonders if Hanna thought the same thing with Mona yesterday. Thinking about while holding Ali's hand makeS Emily feel like she secretly sold her soul to the devil and sealed the pact with a flurry of warm kisses in a cold garden, her freezing damp clothes clinging to her skin.

The two couples sit down in the dark, and Emily briefly gazes at the commercials on the huge screen. Ali sips her drink while Emily sits, frozen. She cannot stop thinking about her guilt.

Alison frowns when she sees her date looking so grim.

"This seat is gross. I just touched popcorn; we need to move," says Alison, standing up and taking Emily by the arm, shifting with little regard for knees in the packed theatre. Emily keeps muttering apologies to those Alison bumps into, and then they at last sit in the back, far from the two people Emily made into her safety net.

Alison asks, "Do you like these seats better?"

"I'm fine with anywhere," says Emily.

"I want you to be happy," whispers Alison.

"I am happy," Emily lies, trying to sound as insistent and convincing as possible.

Ali subtly shakes her head. "You've looked miserable all day. Are you sure you're not sick?"

"I must be coming down with something but I want to have this date."

"Okay," says Ali.

They turn their attention to the huge screen.

[X]

At home, Emily sits down beside Alison on the sofa. She still lingers in the haze of emerging from a movie. Alison closes her eyes for a moment, exhausted from today.

"Do you want tea or anything?" Emily asks.

"No thanks." Alison smiles at her. "I like our relationship right now. I think it's going well."

Emily decides to dare to ask, "Do you think it'll work? Do you… do you think you want… you want to commit to this and me?"

Alison waits a little too long to reply. "I guess."

Emily wants to say that she needs more than _I guess_ right now when she is so confused but then she realizes she is no more certain. She is the one in the wrong and rolling in the dirt has never been the proper way to get clean.

"I guess too," Emily softly says.

Ali suddenly kisses her and sucks on her lower lip. She wraps her arms around Emily and their lips lock again. Breathless and filled with longing, Ali lowers her lips to Emily's neck and kisses her there. Emily shivers and lets Alison touch her lips to her collarbone. She rolls up the bottom of Emily's borrowed shirt and slides her hand upwards across Emily's bare skin. The moment her manicured fingers brush against Emily's left breast, Emily untangles herself and hastily stands up.

No. Emily is a cheater and a liar and she…

"I really can't do this," says Emily. She hates herself too much; it is too hard to even look Alison in the eye much less sleep with her.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. It's not about you, though. You're perfect." Emily stands up and walks outside onto the front porch. Alison does not follow her; she watches from the living room.

Emily sits down and stares at the silent, peaceful street for a moment. She picks up her phone and toys with it for a moment before she makes her difficult decision. About what she will do when she at last walks back inside.

What must be done.

After taking a deep breath, Emily touches Mona's contact and her thumbs hover over the bright screen for ages before she types and sends, ' _I'm going to tell her everything.'_

She receives no immediate reply, but is grateful for that. She sits down on lower steps in the cold air, coatless and covered in goosebumps. Emily gazes up at the sky and makes out one particularly bright planet and a few stars. Nothing like what Mona showed her.

Emily stares for an eternity.

For a moment, she thinks she sees a shooting star.

But it is just an airplane.

She wishes it were an unstoppable asteroid hurtling at the Earth.

The end of the world would be such a delicious certainty.

* * *

 ** _A/N:_** _Thank y'all so much for the response to this story. It's really awesome and every review/read/fave/follow makes me happily glow like a reading lamp. I've written countless love triangles in my life (since I absolutely adore them), and usually in the reviews there's one clear winner from early on. In this story, there's a completely equal divide between Team Alison and Team Mona. I still haven't decided who will win, to tell the truth. I've written three different endings and I constantly go back and forth on which one I want to use. Anyway, thank you again for reading and I hope you're enjoying the show._


	5. Chapter 5

**_A/N:_** _The catfight has finally come. Yay!_

 _Thank you for reading and I hope you're enjoying the show._

* * *

 **V**

* * *

After staring up at the sparkling night sky for some time, Emily rises and walks back inside. She wipes her sweaty palms on her skinny jeans as she walks up the stairs to Jason's former bedroom. Emily packs her bags and takes them downstairs while Alison remains distracted doing the dishes.

She turns to her girlfriend as Alison spins around to face her. Blonde hair flounces like that of a princess and Emily's heart uncontrollably races.

"You look really bothered by something. You okay?" says Alison, walking out of the kitchen and closer to Emily.

"Ali," Emily says quietly, trying to calm her nerves to no avail. "I have to tell you something."

Alison sits down across from her, her brow knit and eyes faintly glistening. "Are you terminally ill? I'm worried. You've been acting really nervous and you've been so pale."

"I…" Emily collects her thoughts. "We need to go on a break while I figure some stuff out. I love you, I'll always love you, and that's why I can't hurt you by staying in a relationship right now."

Alison's expression sours. "It's about Mona isn't it? Don't lie."

"It's partially about Mona," admits Emily, eyeing her own trembling extremities. "I—I do have feelings for her but I'm not planning on dating her either. I'm going through a hard time and—"

Alison snaps, "Have you slept with her?"

"No," Emily softly answers.

After a long, painful silence, Alison inquires, "Kissed her again?"

Silence.

"Yes." Pause. "And Hanna and Caleb weren't the only people who went to New York with me. It was kind of a date with her. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I can't even begin to find the right words. I've felt so guilty that it's made me physically sick."

Alison's nostrils flare and her eyes smolder. Emily has the feeling that she is a sinner in the eyes of an angry and jealous God. And she deserves it. She certainly feels that she deserves it.

She says, flatly as she keeps her emotions crammed tightly inside of her shaking body, "You should probably leave."

"I know," Emily says, her eyes welling with tears. "I'm packed upstairs. I hope you can forgive me because I'll always love you. Please don't hate me."

"I haven't made my mind up yet. It's still sinking in," says Alison in earnest. She does not know what to make of this. She does not know what to do when she offered Emily a Princess Charming and Emily chose a Monster instead.

"You deserve time to think. I understand."

"I'll call you."

"Okay," says Emily, but she does not dare to dream that that will happen. She probably has hurt Alison too much to ever reclaim their blissful relationship.

After grabbing her bags and walking out into the brisk night air, Emily starts driving. Tears blur Emily's vision while she attempts to focus on the empty road. At last at home, she parks in the driveway and her body begins to shudder with sobs. She _knows_ it is her fault but that does not make it hurt any less; in fact, it makes it hurt more. She keeps wiping her eyes futilely as the tears endlessly flow.

Why is she such an idiot?

Why did she let herself lose Alison?

Once the tears cease and she takes a few deep breaths, she gets out of her car and carries her suitcase into her childhood home.

Emily sits down on her bed and starts sobbing again.

[X]

That night, Alison stays awake, lying in bed, staring up at the shadowy ceiling, the tears streaming down from her eyes and dripping into her ears.

In the morning, exhausted and irritable, Alison walks to her seven AM Chemistry class still sore from the tears she sobbed into her pillow last night. When she sees the paper stuck on the door stating the class is cancelled, she turns around, planning to go home.

Then, as she drives, she passes a familiar street and changes her mind. She parks outside of The Brew, which only just opened fifteen minutes ago, and strides inside. In her head, she is telling herself she hopes to see Emily, but she is lying to herself.

Alison waits in line, knowing she has enough time to change her mind but unable to stop herself. She comes up to the counter and Mona freezes with one hand on the register. She sees a woman who always has been utterly composed with her hair mussed and dark circles beneath her puffy eyes. This is both satisfying and unsettling in a way Mona does not quite comprehend.

"You got what you wanted," Alison says, absolutely no order in mind.

"And what would that be?" inquires Mona and Alison clenches her fists.

"She left." _I made her leave_ , thinks Alison but she brushes it away.

Mona lets it sink in for a flicker of a second before saying, "She didn't leave you for me."

"That isn't what I mean," snarls Alison through clenched teeth. "I mean, obviously you were only going after her because you knew she made me happy. You took her away. Good job. Here's a round of applause for the pettiest drama queen I have ever met."

Mona cleans her nails, raising Alison's blood pressure by monumental intervals. "I think you misunderstand this situation."

"No. I don't at all. You're playing with her and me and it's messed up! And you won." Alison barely stops herself from throwing the coffee cups off of the counter.

Mona smoothly says, "This might come as an incredible shock to you but not everyone is thinking about you every second of the day, and not everything bad that happens in your life is because someone is out to ruin you."

"But I'm not wrong about this! You used her to get to me!" Now people begin to stare, but Alison could not care less. Mona barely notices it.

"And if I did?" asks Mona, now starting to feel the simmering rage. "Are you going to do something about it? She left you and I doubt she's coming back."

Alison screams, "Because you made her physically sick!"

"It's not my fault if she feels guilty about what she chose to do," Mona states, stepping forward. Alison moves closer too. "And you should really keep out of _our_ affairs. Or _affair_ I suppose it would be."

Alison demands, "What is your obsession with destroying lives and happiness?"

Mona instantly replies, "Everyone needs a hobby."

Alison snaps. Snaps right in half.

"You need medication!" she exclaims, striding behind the counter. Mona trembles ever so slightly, which is incredibly nice to see for Ali. "Pills! Big pills! Like they use at the zoo!"

Mona laughs. She sounds anxious and Alison thinks she _should be_.

"Like they use at the zoo?" Mona asks, scoffing. "With your wit, I'm _shocked_ your girlfriend left you. Or maybe she just got tired of being jerked around."

"I was not—our relationship was _real_ and—and all you want is to make me miserable."

"This might come as an _incredible_ shock, but the world does not and has never revolved around _you_ ," states Mona, glaring daggers.

"I don't think that."

"Neither does Emily, which is probably why she'd rather be sleeping with me than with you."

"She never touched you beyond a regrettable kiss."

"And you believed her? Because that absolutely was a lie and maybe you should be less blind."

"That was _not_ a lie! I trust her!"

"You shouldn't. Do you want me to tell you all about our X Rated time in New York or would you rather fantasize about—"

Alison tackles her. She does not even know what happened to her, when she thought she could stay calm, but the solitary _thought_ of this awful girl manipulating Emily into having sex with her made Alison lose control. Mona screams when she hits the floor.

Her hands harshly brush against Mona's neck, but Mona reaches up and one manicured nail nicks the side of Alison's eye. It distracts her long enough for Mona to turn over and push her down. Alison seizes her by the arm and twists, and she smashes her back against the counter.

No one intervenes. Everyone stares and gawks and not a single person has the bravery to interfere as Alison grabs her by the hair and Mona returns the violent favor. They tear at each other viciously and Alison smashes her shoulder against the counter, while Mona's whole back bruises against the wall when Alison throws her there by her hair.

Mona lunges forward, adrenaline surging through her veins, lunging at the gasping Alison, but suddenly, out of nowhere, Ezra grabs Mona around the waist and pulls her away, turning from Alison and setting her down. Ali manages to get a grip and remember herself, her heart plummeting to the pit of her stomach. She looks up at Ezra as he glances between the two girls.

He says, glancing around the now empty coffee shop, "If you two sit down and talk, I won't call the cops."

Alison vehemently insists, "That's unfair."

Ezra shakes his head. "That's more than fair. I'll mediate, to save myself from more property damage and scaring my customers away."

"Alright," agrees Mona.

"Fine," Alison assents.

"Okay," says Ezra, sitting down across from Alison and Mona. "How did this start?"

"Do you want me to go back to elementary school or should _she_ answer this question?"

Alison huffs and says, "She's messing with Emily again. That's not okay and she should be locked up for it."

"In a zoo, as you suggested?" Mona says.

Calmly and with a smile, Alison corrects, "I suggested you needed tiger tranquilizers, not that you should be in a zoo. You should be in _prison_."

Ezra glances between them while he collects his thoughts. "Okay, this is clearly emotionally charged and tied up in your history. What happened with Emily?"

He does worry about those allegations against Mona. He worries about Aria and he cannot afford to have a resurrection of A.

"I took her out on a date."

"To get to me," Alison interrupts. "To steal her from me and you played with her heart to do that, which truly sickens me."

"I didn't play with her heart and this has nothing to do with _you_. My feelings for Emily are entirely genuine."

"Why do I find that so hard to believe?"

"Because you can't handle the thought of her loving anyone but you."

"Did she run to you?"

"No. I didn't even know she left you until you came here to fight me over it."

Alison believes her this time. Emily showed such remorse that Ali doubts she could stomach falling into Mona's arms. But where does that leave her? Where does that leave Emily?

"You shouldn't have chased her either way."

"Maybe not," Mona says, not meaning an ounce of it. Ezra and Alison both see that cavalier disregard for the feelings of others. It does not surprise them, but upsets them nonetheless.

"Okay, I was really planning on just impartially mediating this, but you both _do_ realize Emily has been through a lot, she lost her father, she had to leave school to come to a town with pretty much no good memories for her, and the _only_ thing you two care about is which of you gets to sleep with her."

Alison and Mona both sit in silence after that.

"She needs love now," Ali admits.

"Yes," says Ezra. "She needs love, but _not_ a love _triangle_."

"We can't help that," says Mona.

"But you can help her and focus on her needs instead of your own."

Alison and Mona both with they had only kind thoughts, but their first reactions are selfish.

 _But she cheated on me_ , thinks Alison.

 _But she moved in with Ali within five minutes of returning to town,_ thinks Mona.

"We can do that," states Alison.

"Yes. We can," states Mona.

They both nod and Ezra hopes for the best.

[X]

Emily heads to work a few hours after Ezra's mediation. She sees Mona and considers bolting out of the door and just quitting.

"Hi," says Mona, taking care not to mention anything romantic. She hopes her hair looks better, and that her bruises and small scratches are not visible.

"Hi," says Emily, putting away her purse and getting her bearings.

"How was the rest of your weekend?" awkwardly inquires Mona.

"Good," lies Emily.

Mona does not call her out on it, and they work in silence until Emily's break. She does not plan to go anywhere, and so she gets to the back of the line and waits to order her drink—a very simple drip coffee because she no longer has the desire to drink anything fancy. Being a barista does that to a poor soul.

She begins to sip it as the Brew simmers to a semi-silence, the customers already enjoying their drinks or perusing the books and no one demanding anything new.

"Alison came in this morning," says Mona, leaning over the counter.

Emily blanches. "W—uh—why?"

"I assume because you broke up with her. It went poorly. Ezra almost had to call the cops and, worse than potentially cooling my heels in a cell, she ruined my hair."

Emily wishes deeply to cry. Tears lurk inside of her, pressing against the backs of her eyes. It hurts to hear about Ali and Mona and this entire mess she found herself in. She takes a sip of her drink to cover it up and instead laughs, laughs to hide the sadness. Her lipstick leaves a red stain like a bloody crescent moon on the white mug.

"Things couldn't be worse, could they?" Emily says with a sigh. "I'm sorry for getting you and Ali into this. I… I should've just stayed in California."

"Don't say that. This was the right choice," Mona insists, locking eyes with Emily.

Emily buries her face in her hands. "It's hard to see anything right about it. I'm in the gutter, Mona. I'm in the gutter and I don't see a way out."

"Most of my favorite quotes come from Oscar Wilde. We have so much in common."

"What— _how_ is that a response to me?"

"My favorite of his is 'We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.' Poignant, isn't it? Maybe we could go back to our stargazing place."

" _We_ don't have a _place_. This won't work. Alison won't work and you won't work and I'm not choosing either of you when everything is crumbling and my life is in ruins and it hurts to breathe every single day. Maybe eventually we can look at the stars together."

"Eventually seems really far away, doesn't it?"

"Yeah," Emily replies.

[X]

Later that day, a little while before dusk will arrive, Emily finishes up making a green tea latte when she sees Alison walk in. She feels her heart pound and plummet from fear; facing Ali is the last thing she wants to do.

"I brought you flowers," says Ali and Emily blinks several times.

She holds up a beautiful bouquet of daisies. Emily gapes at it for a moment before collecting herself. It baffles her to the core.

Emily hesitantly asks, "W-why? I just told you I cheated."

"And Ezra just told me how selfish I've been. You're having a hard time and I haven't thought once about it." She hands Emily the lush daisies.

"Thank you, Ali," Emily says in awe. She then glances over her shoulder and remembers yesterday. "But I think we should stay on this break. We rushed things— _I_ rushed things—and I think that's why I made such an awful mistake. We need to go slower if we ever plan to be together."

Ali nods, although she has her jaw clenched. She cannot _believe_ this. Emily _must_ know that they are destined for each other and while Alison offered her a guest room Mona would probably lock her in a basement with a needle in her arm.

"Whatever pace you want," convincingly says Alison and Emily smiles.

"That sounds good."

Mona sucks in her cheeks and averts her eyes.

[X]

After work, Emily goes home and sees her mother crying. She drops her purse to the floor and rushes to Pam's side.

"Mom, are you okay?" Emily asks, kneeling in front of the sofa.

"Yes," Pam says, ceasing her sobs to the best of her ability. "I just—I just was looking at these like an-an idiot."

She hands a photo album to her daughter. Emily knows what a fool she is as she opens it to a page featuring her parents' wedding. She instantly feels her nose tingle with tears.

"I'm sorry."

"You say that too much, honey."

"I'm sorry," says Emily without thinking and her mother briefly smiles through a veil of tears. "And I love you. It'll be okay."

"Eventually," sadly says Pam.

"Eventually seems really far away, doesn't it?" Emily begins to cry too.

A mother and a daughter weep together.

[X]

After sobbing wretchedly for ages, Emily falls asleep on her bedroom floor. Crying always makes her sleepy and she succumbs to it without resisting.

She wakes to a barrage of loud texts from the phone that rests by her head. She picks it up and sees five messages: three from Ali and two from Mona.

Alison's texts read:

 _I'm sorry for the flowers._

 _Did you have sex with her? Because if you had sex with her I will never talk to you again._

 _I might be in love with you._

Mona's texts read:

 _Daisies are ugly and saran wrap could take lessons from Alison DiLaurentis._

 _Also, I suppose I'm sorry for being so selfish and if you need to talk I'm here. I understand what you're going through and I want to help you._

As always, both girls are frustratingly both terrible and tempting at the same time. Emily simply does not know what to do.

Maybe she should start over with Ali or maybe she should start fresh with Mona.

She could dance atop the Eiffel Tower with Alison or she could drive off into the sunset with Mona.

Emily wonders if there is a third option but she does not see it.

She sees only a long and agonizing road she does not wish to walk.


	6. Chapter 6

**VI**

* * *

A month after the fight in The Brew, Emily wakes up and goes through the same routine she always does. She re-reads the two last texts she received from the girls she loves. Emily reads the text from Mona first. An eloquent poem, as a slippery-tongued girl would write.

 _You're deep in the ocean_

 _And I'm up in the stars_

 _So, Emily, show me the sea_

 _And I'll take you to Mars_

It would be beautiful if Emily did not know Mona. She cannot trust anything that particular liar says, and coming up with a poem for any reason other than achieving her own ends would be extremely out of the ordinary for Mona.

Alison's simply reads, _Can we talk? In person. Please._

They seem to have learned since then that Emily broke up with both of them.

Maybe they lost her number.

It is not as if she sees Mona—she quit her job and vanished—or ever talks to Ali—she stopped ever coming into the Brew or walking down Emily's street—and so she should just forget.

Maybe she should stop wondering why they left her alone.

Emily just sighs like she has every morning for three weeks, sets down her phone, walks down the stairs and sees her mom has made breakfast. It is elaborate, with almost every breakfast food Emily has eaten in her young life. She stands, struck speechless, in front of the unexpected feast.

Then she glances up at her mother. She looks weary, as usual. Tired in the way that makes it impossible for Emily to consider leaving Rosewood.

"You didn't need to do this," Emily says softly, taking a seat and eyeing the food. Her stomach grumbles, betraying her.

"I wanted to," brightly says Pam, the cheeriness in her voice blatantly forced. "The busier I stay, the less I think about losing him."

Emily cannot smile, even though she tries to look reassuring. She just does her best by giving a warm smile. Pam finishes cleaning up and sits across from her daughter.

Pam abruptly says, "Alison came by last night."

Emily's eyes widen. She has not heard from Ali in _ages_. More importantly, she cannot tell if she is happy or sad, excited or scared, about that news.

"Why?" she whispers, setting down her fork.

Pam explains casually, "She came to the doorstep, said she wanted to see you, and then changed her mind and ran back to her car. I think she came on impulse."

"You didn't try to stop her?" Emily asks, gazing intently at her mother.

Steely-eyed, Pam states, "Of course not. Those girls hurt you terribly. You're getting better from that silly love triangle. You don't need them."

"But I'm not getting better. I think about them a lot. I think about them every single day. I worry about Mona and why she disappeared. I relive every lie I told Ali each time I lie down to go to sleep. I _love_ …" Emily trails off, lips ajar and eyes half-vacant.

Pam says the mantra she made up about Mona and Alison. "You're trying to punish yourself, and you need to stop. Let them go; it's been a month."

Emily just nods with a blank expression. She eats, despite feeling so dreadfully nauseous.

Once she finishes her breakfast, Emily decides to explain herself. She feels that she must. "But—about Ali—I think about if I should've made a choice. Would I be happier if I chose one of them? It's like—it's like imagine—imagine Mona is the stars and Alison is the sun and both of those things are similar but so different and how do I choose?"

"You're glamorizing them," says Pam, furrowing her brow. "Calling them things as important and _big_ as the sun and stars only, well, it gives them power over you that they don't deserve or need. Being neutral is an option, Em. So is choosing your own happiness instead of either Mona or Alison."

"I want to choose. I _do_. This love is important to me." Emily does not know if that is a lie or the truth, and little troubles her more than that fact.

"Something important to you shouldn't chew you up the way this is. You gave it time, and…"

Emily interjects with as much confidence as she can muster, "It's my choice. I want to make it. I wish I had made it. Maybe it's too late."

Pam frowns and Emily's stomach twists from guilt.

She focuses on her food.

[X]

After the surprise feast, Emily goes to work and goes through the motions. Sabrina helps her like Mona did, but it is not quite the same. The tension has vanished. She tries to remind herself that that is a good thing.

She returns home and watches Netflix like she always does.

But her routine shatters when someone rings the doorbell. Emily jumps up and runs to answer it, trying to convince herself that she is just trying to help her mom (and not hoping it is Alison).

The bombshell blonde stands on the porch, trembling. Emily gazes at her, stunned to the core.

"Hi," whispers Emily, the cold wind stinging her face. She shivers without her jacket and gloves, standing in just jeans and a light shirt.

"Hi," whispers a snow-speckled Alison DiLaurentis. "I'm sorry to show up here so late."

Emily says earnestly, "I don't mind. Do you want to come in?"

"I'd rather if you came out." Alison blushes and takes a sharp breath of the icy air. "That—that wasn't meant to be a pun."

Emily laughs and walks outside, snow crunching beneath her sneakers. "I know. Why did you come here?"

Alison takes a deep breath. She closes her eyes while collecting her thoughts.

 _Say what you practiced_ , she reminds herself.

"Because I think about you every day. I've thought about you every single day," blurts out Alison, clenching her fists. "For a month. For a _month_ , Em."

Aghast, Emily demands, "Then why did you never call or text or even visit The Brew?"

"Because I was scared," admits Alison, heart thundering in her constricted chest. "I was scared you didn't want to choose me. So… I gave you space. Maybe I gave you too much or waited too long, but hiding got easy fast."

Emily knows she should not be talking to Alison, especially after all this time. She knows she is foolish but it feels good to be insane upon occasion.

"Ali," Emily says, rubbing her arm. "I…"

"Don't say anything," says Alison and Emily blanches. It sounds angry.

Tears well in her eyes; she knew she should not have come here.

But, suddenly, Alison steps forward and kisses her. She does it slowly, savoring every second because there is no place she would rather be. Emily notices that Ali does nothing but crush their lips against each other again and again; she does not expect anything more than this moment. They kiss and forget every single other mouth they have touched before. When Alison does ever-so-gently touch Emily's waist, she involuntarily moans from nothing but that gentle tickle.

Emily's hands move up and cup the sides of Alison's face as they breathlessly lock lips yet again. And to Emily Alison's lips are like the first and last piece of chocolate she will ever taste.

Slowly, reluctantly, they break apart and Emily cannot remember her own name. Cannot remember how to count or exactly where she is or a single pained memory.

She remembers only one thing, only one word, and she breathes it in the cold night air:

" _Alison_."

"Em," breathes Alison. "Let's go get married."

"What?" Emily's eyebrows shoot up and she stumbles backwards several steps. She barely stops herself from toppling into a snowbank. "That's—that's rushing things a bit, don't you think?"

"No. It's not. It's impulsive and romantic. We'll get married and go to Paris. Arrivals and departures, remember? We'll be a departure at the airport."

"I have to think about it, and talk to my mom."

"It's not asking for a playdate. I'm asking you to marry me." Alison adds for emphasis, "Always and forever."

Emily shakes her head. "You're asking me to run off in the dead of the night and marry you. I can't do stuff like that. I'm not that kind of person."

Maybe Ali must admit Emily has a point. "Okay. Think about it. I'll find you a ring." Alison starts to walk away, but Emily grabs her wrist.

"Take me with you," Emily demands.

"To get a ring?"

"Just… just for tonight."

Alison smiles and gently guides Emily to her ice-cold car.

[X]

The next morning, snow sticks fiercely to Alison's bedroom window, turning the daylight inside bright white. Beneath that splendor, Emily wakes in bed beside Alison.

She feels a little dizzy for a moment before she looks up at the girl garbed in only panties and Emily's shirt, setting down two cups of coffee on the bedside table.

"Don't you love that?" Emily remarks.

"Love what?" Alison asks.

"When you wake up and you don't remember who you are or where you are. You don't remember what hurts or what you've done. It's my favorite moment of the day."

"What hurts so bad you want to forget it?"

"Do you want that endless list in alphabetical order or in order of painfulness?"

Alison faintly smiles and gives a light chuckle. Emily softly closes her eyes.

"I'm really happy you're here."

"I'm happy to be here," Emily says in utter earnest. She pecks Alison on the cheek. "But I do have to go to work."

"Oh, come on, play hooky," teases Alison, batting her lush eyelashes.

Emily says with a surprisingly straight face. "I'm too responsible for that."

Alison gives a melodramatic and affected sigh. "Fine."

"I'll see you soon." Pause. Emily takes inventory of her outfit. "After I borrow something to wear."

Alison smiles and stands.

[X]

That same morning, after leaving Alison's house and borrowing some of her old clothes and new makeup, Emily begins twisting an apron onto herself as she walks into work. She wipes down the counter, focused intently on it, and then looks up at the slowly growing line.

"Can I ask you something?" says the first girl at the counter, already drumming her fingers impatiently.

Emily's eyes flash and she almost faints. "Mona."

"Yeah. Can I ask you something?" demands Mona.

Emily asks, hardly able to breathe, "Where have you even been?"

"With my grandparents in Virginia. Can I ask you something?"

"Yes."

"Are you still angry? Do you still hate me?"

"I think that's a really big conversation that I can't have at six in the morning."

"While wearing Alison's clothes."

"What?"

"I recognize them. It was a really unflattering outfit on her back then—hence why I remember it—but it looks really good on you. You look beautiful, actually, but I guess you always do."

Emily tries to take it as a compliment.

"Thank you," she offers, beginning to calm down. She can now breathe normally, at least.

Mona glances around the shop and then inquires, "When do you go on break?"

Emily considers lying. She wants to pretend she has to work this shift for the rest of her life to avoid being around Mona. It will dredge up old feelings and Emily does not know if she can change that. "Fifteen minutes from now."

"I'll meet you then." Mona waves regally and walks away.

Emily wants to seize her chance to change her mind, but she cannot force her lips to form the words. Mona walks away and Emily tries not to stare.

Her life never ceases to be messy.

Never.

[X]

Fifteen minutes later, while Emily pulls on her worn but expensive parka, Mona adjusts her rabbit fur earmuffs and pretends the silence is not uncomfortable.

Emily uneasily says, "So, what's on the agenda? Nothing exciting, I hope."

"Care to people watch?" Mona asks, gesturing at the snowy streets surrounding them.

"I… I guess I don't have anything better to do. But I'm with Ali now, and it's getting serious. If you try anything, I swear to God I will… I will…" Emily cannot think of a way to hurt a person, because it is something she has never wanted to do. Not even A.

"I get it. There will be consequences." Mona smirks. Emily does not know if she got the message, but it feels too late to back out now.

The girls walk outside, across the street and settle at a bench in the heart of the town. Emily pulls gloves from her pocket and pulls them over her trembling fingers.

"Look at her," laughs Mona, gently elbowing Emily in the side. "I've seen spiderwebs with more volume than her hair."

" _That_ is cruel," Emily says, shaking her head.

"But true," Mona jabs.

Emily sighs and mutters, "But true."

A girl in the near distance grins wide and embraces her friend. Emily finds it kind of cute.

But Mona scathingly commentates, "And _that_ smile has more exposed gum than an overturned high school desk."

Emily stifles her laugh. Mona smirks at her success.

Mona's eyes light up when she comments, "Oh, God. There's a six-dollar Uber ride between her right eye and her left."

Emily clamps her hand over her mouth, but she shakes with silent giggles.

"You are," she gasps out, "a horrible person."

"But you find it charming." Mona winks.

Emily suddenly feels as if the cold weather froze her to the core. No. This is exactly what she did not want to happen. Panic surges through her veins, unresolved anger, unresolved love.

Calmly and coolly, Emily states, "That's pushing it."

Silence.

"The snowflakes in your hair look like dandruff. Let me fix it for you," says Mona and Emily nods. Mona reaches forward and brushes off raven locks before staring right into Emily's eyes and leaning in and Emily jumps up as if the bench lit ablaze.

" _What_ exactly do you think you're doing?" exclaims Emily, fire in her eyes.

Mona retorts, "Fixing your hair."

"Stop lying. I can't handle lying in a relationship. I just can't!"

"You're overreacting right now. I am not lying to you. I misread the moment and I respect that I was wrong, and you don't want to ever kiss me again. I apologize."

"I want to believe that."

" _Want_ to? After all I've done for you?"

Emily laughs mirthlessly. "All you've done for me? Please, please explain what that could possibly mean."

"Just calm down. People are staring."

Emily snaps, and at last harshly explains, "You know why I chose Alison? It's because she might be jealous and possessive and have her flaws but you're a manipulator."

Mona tries reply lightly. "I prefer the term outcome engineer."

"It doesn't matter what you call it. It doesn't matter if you make this a joke," says Emily with a steely expression, ignoring her chattering teeth. "I don't want to date someone like that, okay?"

 _You left. You should have tried harder. I hate myself for wanting that,_ thinks Emily. But she would never say it. Never.

Mona dares to faintly smile. "I think you underestimate just how cunning and capable I am. And how those powers of outcome engineering could benefit you."

Emily, unimpressed, inquires, "Like what?"

And Mona uses those pretty words of the grandest liar Emily Fields has ever met to say, "I could steal all the stars in the sky." Pause. "But I could also get them by legitimate means if that somehow impresses you more."

Emily forces herself not to smile. She knows she cannot fall into this web. Not again.

"I think I've been attracted to you because we've been through the same thing. You understood, and that was important. I believe you when you say you want to change. But you're my past. I'm trying to forget my past and I've got to pick myself up off the curb at some point."

 _Alison is your past too,_ Mona wants to scream, but she swallows her anger and asks, "What kind of past?"

The lines between lies and truths blend when Emily tries to explain, "What do you think? Do you think I could be with the person who—who—who tormented me for years? Do you think I could be with someone I never could trust? I'm sorry that I've—I've led you on and I feel terrible. I'm… bad at saying no."

"I kind of thought you were… you... you loved me."

"And Clarice loved Hannibal Lecter!" Pause. Emily takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry and that was harsh. I don't want you to be upset. That's why it all started, isn't it?"

Mona cannot hide her frown or glistening eyes. "You felt bad for me."

"I don't know. I think I felt bad for myself. And I think this just felt good for some reason and I've come to the realization that… that making decisions is hard for me. Whatever I decide will devastate someone," Emily rambles, wringing her hands.

Bitterly, Mona retorts, "And you would rather hurt someone who hurt you?"

Emily lies, "Something like that. I thought I could forgive you but I guess I can't. I tried, but some things are just too fucked up to forgive."

"Oh, well, thank you for your consideration," coldly and bitterly replies Mona.

She unties her apron and throws it on the counter. Emily watches helplessly as Mona grabs her Balenciaga bag and walks out the door.

Mona does not come back.

[X]

The next morning, Emily wakes up and instinctively looks at her phone.

She expects texts from either Alison or Mona. To her shock, she missed twenty-one calls from Hanna Marin. Emily grabs her phone and nearly breaks it from the force of slamming the redial button.

 _"_ _Em! Where have you been? I've been calling you all night!"_ hisses Emily's dear old friend.

"I was asleep. I put my phone on silent when I sleep. You know, the little crescent moon button that makes my notifications shut up—"

 _"_ _Hospital. Come to the hospital,"_ demands Hanna.

"You're in the hospital?" Emily sits straight up, eyes wide, heart pounding.

 _"_ _Yeah,"_ Hanna replies.

"Why are you in the hospital?"

 _"_ _I'll explain when you get here. Please hurry."_

"Just let me get dressed," Emily breathlessly pleads, leaping out of bed.

Her hands tremble as she gets ready to go.

[X]

Emily meets Hanna outside of the ER. The blonde shivers in the cold, bouncing from foot to foot as she eyes Emily with a broken expression.

"Why are you out here? I thought you were hurt."

Hanna shakes her head and waves her hand, a set of golden bracelets jingling as she does so. " _I'm_ not hurt. It's Mona. You're with her, aren't you?"

Emily blushes, and not just from the bitter winter wind. "Not… not exactly."

Hanna bites her lip before recklessly continuing, "Oh. She said… the last thing she said before passing out in the hospital bed was, 'Don't tell Emily; I don't want to scare her,' and I just figured…"

"Why would I be scared? What happened? Is she sick?" Emily cannot breathe. Emily cannot breathe. Emily cannot breathe.

Hanna nods towards the lilac blue building. "I'll explain inside. I'm freezing to death out here."

The two girls stride into the bright white Rosewood Hospital. Beneath their feet, the floor shimmers, and the hallways are laced with the fragrance of antiseptics.

"What happened?" Emily asks as they walk down a hall of pained people.

Two nurses run by, and Hanna must wait until they pass. It _is_ an ER, she supposes.

"She, uh…" Hanna stands there silently.

"I've never seen you speechless."

"Yeah. Me either. She's going to be okay. That's what's important. It looked way worse a few hours ago when they were all so shocked at the list. They're keeping her for observation. Twenty-four hours or something."

"The list? The list of what?"

Hanna just bluntly says, "Medications she took... and I guess the alcohol too but…"

"Oh." A spiked boot crushes Emily's heart into an agonized puddle. Did she give Mona a death sentence? "What happened? What happened?"

"She called me totally choked up and half-passed out. I thought she was just wasted—she's surprisingly gushy when she's drunk—but then she started apologizing to me and that's something Mona has probably never done in her life, so I started freaking out, and she explained that she calculated perfect lethal doses because she's completely methodical and Type A even in her sui—stuff. She apparently changed her mind but thought it was too late and I did what I could."

"I didn't even know you were in town."

"I got here yesterday. I was going to text you but…"

"Yeah." Emily tries not to think about it. "Why did you ask me to come?"

"I don't think it's your fault, if that's what you mean. I just thought you should know. I called her mom and you and… that's about it for… for her friends. I didn't want her to be alone."

Emily remarks, "That's really nice of you."

"I guess." Hanna shrugs as they finally reach the proper room.

They step inside and see Mona's mother sitting in one of two plastic chairs. Emily's eyes drift from the older woman, bent in grief, to the half-conscious girl hooked to monitors. They were not lying when they said they were observing her.

"Mona." Emily drops her phone and does not care that it slides across the floor. She rushes to her side. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. For everything I said."

"This wasn't your fault," says Mona. "You're not important enough to die for."

Emily feels like a poison-tipped arrow just struck her heart.

"Oh," she murmurs.

"I should've never come back to this town. Rosewood is a vortex of suffering."

"Oh," is all Emily can say. "I really am sorry, though. I was angry and I…"

"I don't want her here, Han," Mona interrupts, turning to Hanna.

Slowly, Hanna stands up. "You sure?"

"Yes."

Uncomfortably, Hanna whispers, "Em… maybe…"

"I get the message," says Emily, and she rises, grabbing her purse. "Goodbye. I really hope you feel better."

Mona does not reply.

After stepping through the ugly door, Emily wipes away her tears with the back of her tired wrist. She strides down the hall and only makes it a few doors down before she stops and slides down the wall, curling into a sobbing mess.

People stare but she does not care.

[X]

Two weeks pass. No word from Mona. No word to Ali.

But now she sits on a date in a quaint new Rosewood restaurant with the person she supposes she chose. The person she knows she can be happy with, unlike Mona. Alison. Alison is the one for her and she could only hide for so long.

 _But_ , Emily has hidden from Ali since the hospital. She felt too much guilt.

"I'm sorry I ran from you," Emily says, setting her hand on top of Alison's. The girl she has always loved just nods.

Alison says sweetly, "I understand. You hate hurting people. You _care_ , and I know you needed time. It wasn't your fault, but I didn't want to rush you."

In utter earnest, Emily says, "Thank you. I appreciate it a lot."

Emily looks at the open ring box on the table, resting behind a bowl of half-eaten fancy bread. The diamond looks impressive, but Emily still does not think she can accept.

Ali launches into the speech she practiced.

"This is hard for me to say. Really hard to say. But I love you like I've never loved anybody else before. I _love_ you. Em…" Alison blinks back tears. She trembles from emotion. "I'm sorry that I didn't say that enough. Please don't run away from me again. I know I've pushed you away over and over and I couldn't be more sorry. I've never wanted you to leave me… even when I made you walk away. Please don't run from me."

Emily feels somewhere between relieved and devastated. She admits, "Well… that's kinda what I'm scared of from you. I'm afraid you'll run from me again, like you… it's who you are, and I love you for who you are. I do. I love everything about you, even the things that make me so angry or heartbroken. But I can't have you run again."

Alison whispers, "If that's what we're both so afraid of, I don't know why you won't marry me. We've been in love for a thousand years and I've waited a long time. I've been scared, but I think you've been scared too. I love you Emily."

"I love you too. I'll always love you." Emily means every word.

Then Alison complicates things by demanding, "Then let's get married. Let's make sure we won't run away from each other. Let's get rid of all of that fear and just be brave and in love. Because you've always loved me at my worst and my best and you're the kindest person I've ever met in my life."

Emily slowly says, "Thank you. I… you're… you're something else. Something special. I've loved you for a reason, not just because I was attached."

Alison retains her optimism and remarks, "You even loved me when I was dead."

"Yeah," Emily truthfully says, shrugging one shoulder.

The candle in the center of the table eerily lights Alison's face when she coldly asks, "Did you love me more when I was dead?"

Emily's eyes bulge. "No! Never ask that again!"

" _Please_ , don't yell. We're in public."

"Yeah," says Emily softly. "I'm sorry."

"After all we've been through, I think getting married isn't so crazy. Maybe it's spontaneous, but it's not crazy, and I think it's been destined to happen."

"I think, if it's destined, we can wait until things get better."

"I can make them better. I can make you better, like you made me better," says Alison. Emily rubs her lips together. "You're too good to lose. Please stay with me and don't leave."

"I want you to stay with me too…" Emily trails off. "Don't press this issue."

"Press this _issue_?" Alison sighs and clenches then unclenches her fists. "Look. If you love me, you'll marry me. If you don't love me, you won't, and I won't bother you with my presence again. So tell me and tell me now. If you love me, put on that ring. If you don't… I want what's best for you. I owe it to you and I love you enough to let you go. Let you run to Mona."

Emily rolls her eyes and grits her teeth. "It's _not_ Mona, for God's sake."

Alison furiously demands, "Then what is it? Why is that ring not on your finger?"

Emily decides to tell the truth, although it makes her nervous. "I—I—I don't think I want to go out with anyone right now."

Alison loses control, against her will. She does not want to hurt Emily, but the bitterness and cruelty escapes her lips regardless.

"Yeah," Alison snaps. "You don't go out with girls; you persuade them to attempt suicide."

" _Ali_!" croaks Emily, tears welling in her eyes.

She just stands up.

Emily bolts from the restaurant.

She runs and runs and runs until she can no longer catch her breath. Emily sits down, slumped against a streetlight, not far from home.

Why is her life such a mess?

What she did to deserve this?

How could she let everything spiral out of control?

Who would ever love someone like her?

[X]

The next day, after crying herself to sleep back in her childhood home, Emily goes to ring Mona's doorbell but backs away, changing her mind. The snow begins to fall harder, and the sky darkens further. That does not encourage Emily at all, and she decides to flee. Then Mona's mom opens the door, carrying a snow shovel. She freezes in her tracks.

"I—I'm sorry. I was just leaving," Emily says, offering a sweet and sympathetic smile.

"Please. Please don't go. I think it would do Mona good to see you."

"Oh." Emily's heart pounds, leaping up into her throat. She feels as if she is about to gag up an angry little butterfly. "I can. If she needs that."

Emily strides up the stairs and walks to the closed door of Mona's room. She tries to open it but it is locked. But Emily stands, cemented to the floor. Slowly, she hears movement behind the door and Mona says, "It's Emily, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Emily says softly.

"I don't want to see you," says a disembodied voice from Mona's bedroom.

Emily leans against the door. "You don't have to see me. But will you talk to me?"

After a long silence, Mona's voice agrees, "Okay."

"Okay." Emily toys with the keys in her hand and presses her ear to the hardwood.

"Look, I can handle anger or whatever you're feeling right now, but I can't handle the silence. I can't handle…" Pause. "I've long ago realized that I've screwed over everyone I've ever loved and no one is going to forgive me."

"Oh, come on. You're being melodramatic." Slowly, Emily touches her hand to the door. "You can't say _everyone you ever loved_. Who else have you ever been in this situation with?"

Mona scoffs and Emily feels her step away from the door. No, no, no. "You don't think I had a crush on Hanna?"

"I…" Emily may have considered it once or twice, but she always concluded otherwise.

"Right. I don't really get why you don't think I have real feelings for you," Mona snaps, and Emily hears footsteps and pressure on the door again. At least she came back.

Emily does go for honesty when she says, "It's hard to tell if you have real feelings. Period."

Mona slams her hand against the door and Emily flinches. "See. There it is. That's what you think."

Emily turns around and faces the door as she loudly states, "Yeah. It is what I think."

Silence.

"Then why are you here?" Mona hoarsely asks, and Emily leans against the door again. She feels Mona's weight still there. Hopefully that is a good sign.

Emily tries to scrounge up an answer that does not sound entirely insane. "I haven't heard from you in a while. Not since you kicked me out of the hospital room."

Mona softly admits, "I deleted your number."

Bewildered, Emily inquires, leaning more forcefully against the hardwood door, "You don't know it by heart after…?"

"You changed it when we graduated," explains Mona.

"Oh. I forgot." Emily averts her eyes.

"Does Alison know you're here?"

"I broke up with her."

"Why?"

"She said some pretty unkind things. And… she won't be with me if I don't marry her and I don't know if I'm ready for that."

Mona scoffs loudly and Emily feels more pressure against the door. "So, I take less commitment. Is that it?"

"No," murmurs Emily. "No, not at all. I just wanted to check on you. I'm sorry. It's all my fault and I'm sorry."

Silence.

At last Mona speaks. "I guess I've put you in the hospital too. It's probably some kind of delayed karma."

Emily ignores the memory of her A nightmare and asks, "They let you out; are you better?"

"They let me out the same day I went to the ER. I lied to the doctors like I did last time. I told them I was just trying to get to sleep and accidentally overdosed."

"Did they believe you?"

"I don't think they had a choice. I would've fought somehow; no one is ever locking me up again."

"Oh."

Silence.

Mona inquires, "Hey, uh… will you turn your honesty settings up a few percent?"

Instantly, Emily replies, "Sure. I'm now officially at ninety-five."

"Dangerous," mocks Mona.

"I don't mind dangerous if it helps protect my friends."

Emily's stomach churns during the following silence.

Mona opens the door. She wears the same slippers Emily saw her in before, but she wears make-up and seems better put together than back then.

Staring Emily down, Mona pleads, "What do you want? What's going on? What's in your head? What's real and what's just part of this _mess_? Tell me. Tell me even if it hurts."

Emily collects her thoughts.

"My dad used to talk about facts on the ground. Here are the facts on the ground. I'm in love with Alison and I probably will marry her. I'm mad at you. I'm in love with you and I never should have lied about that. I'm mad at Alison. There are wounds on every side. Something has to happen to fix this and I don't know what. I'm confused. I'm so angry with you, but…"

"I know. But you came here. I'm sorry. For everything."

"I don't know if that means anything because I don't—I don't believe anything you say, even if I want to. I want to pretend but I know better."

"Why not pretend?" Mona steps forward and presses her lips against Emily's. The kiss breaks. "Would you be amicable to a little pretend game for a couple minutes?"

And if Emily's soul could speak it would say, _'Kiss me, kiss me again, just this once, just this once, and then maybe another.'_

In this moment, the only place Emily Fields wants to be is where the stars touch the ocean.


	7. Chapter 7

**_A/N:_** _We've reached the last chapter. Thank you so much for reading—it means the world to me—and I hope you enjoy this finale._

* * *

 **VII**

* * *

Emily knows one thing and one thing only. She _needs_ to escape Rosewood.

When she discusses it with Pam, her mother wholeheartedly supports the decision. Maybe she needs a bit more time to collect money, but she has been saving every cent from her endless shifts at the Brew and now has more than enough to start a modest life and be comfortable until she snags a new job.

Yet, an obsession pins her to the town, dragging her back in every time she dreams of leaving.

Mona and Alison. Mona and Alison. Mona and Alison.

They utterly consume her every thought, especially since she—she—she _slept with Mona_ yesterday. What is she supposed to do now?

She does not think she can be happy without one of them. Emily can only imagine herself dragging one companion on her journey. Sitting in an apartment on an inflatable mattress, kissing beneath the bright lights of a city because they do not have curtains yet.

Emily goes to work and sees Mona already there.

Her mind spirals as she tries to imagine that air mattress scene with Mona beside her.

She shoves the thoughts away and starts working beside the girl she saw naked only one day ago. The girl who almost killed herself.

"I'm glad you're feeling better enough to come back to work," softly says Emily.

"Don't talk to me like I'm made of glass."

"Oh, I…" Emily's eyelashes flutter. Mona shrugs.

"Last night was fun," says Mona. Emily wondered if the other girl would mention it. "We should do it again sometime."

Without thinking, Emily says, "Yeah," then thinks better of it. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound blasé about something that—it meant something. It did."

Mona faintly smiles. Emily's heart flutters.

It _did_ mean something, at least Emily thinks. The whole time in Mona's bedroom, she was confused, as confused as she is every time she is near either girl. Even in such a raw hour of her life, when she hoped to forget everything but the lips against hers and the hands on her skin, she kept thinking about how her memories of Ali were too good to lose.

"But, you've done that a lot with Alison, I'm sure."

"That doesn't—I'm not in this to see how many notches on my bedpost I can get."

"With your romantic history, I'm honestly left skeptical."

"Shh," snaps Emily, eyes flashing. She does _not_ need this.

"I'm…" Mona takes a deep, uncomfortable, shuddering breath. "I'm sorry. I couldn't resist the jab. It's who I am. Maybe Alison is the better choice if she only tells you nice things. What's the status between you two, anyway?"

Emily pauses and stares at a cappuccino machine, willing it to turn into a genie's lamp. At last, she gives up that futile exploit and turns to face the patiently waiting Mona.

"I love her with all of my heart, but sometimes she makes me feel trapped," Emily says. "And she said something to me that I'm really mad about."

"What?" Mona looks thrilled and Emily feels sick.

"She said…" Emily slightly squirms. "She said that 'I don't go out with girls; I persuade them to attempt suicide' and it…"

Mona mirthlessly laughs. "Wow. She's classy as ever."

Emily averts her eyes.

" _But_ that same night she finally confessed her feelings for me," admits Emily, for that confuses her above all else.

"Is she still crazy about the marriage thing?" asks Mona, arms crossed.

"Yeah. She's… angry that I won't commit like that. But I'm—I'm only twenty and I'm not sure if I'm—I'm not sure if I'm just in love with her like a habit or if I'm in love with…" Emily chews on her lower lip. "I thought about you two a lot during the time we gave each other space. Like sharing headphones with my cousin at Thanksgiving and thinking about doing the same thing with Alison on a bus to a field trip. She touched my hand and—"

"Led you on."

"I think she meant it. I think she was scared."

"And now you're the scared one. Funny how things change."

"I'm not—I'm not—okay, maybe I _am_ scared. I don't know why."

"I do."

"Enlighten me."

"You're scared you'll make the wrong choice. Alison, of course, is asking for quite a bit more commitment than I am."

"She's in love with me, though. I don't know what we are."

"If I were proclaiming my love for you at this stage in our weird and complicated relationship, you would have my blessing to run for the hills. Alison wants to keep you and collect you, pin you to the wall like a little butterfly. You can leave at any moment with me."

"I bet that goes both ways."

"That's only fair, isn't it? Do you think she's really made that much progress."

"I think her time on the run humbled her a bit. Made her evaluate priorities. And I think we've all grown up or I wouldn't want to kiss you as bad as I do right now."

Mona shrugs. "I don't think people change as you seem to think they do. I never have. You can use a spear as a walking stick but that won't change what it is."

"I could say the same about you."

"Well, I suppose your decision will be difficult," coolly remarks Mona, smirking slightly.

Emily tries to sound brave when she says, "My decision?"

"You _are_ in a love triangle. Which means you have to pick one of us."

"That's a lot of pressure," murmurs Emily, heart thundering.

"If it's not easy, maybe you're kidding yourself." Mona pivots to face Emily and leans against the counter. "The thing is, if you're with someone and fall for another person, you should always go for the second, because if you truly loved the first, you wouldn't have caught feelings for someone else. I mean, looking at someone as hot as me is one thing; what we've been doing is another."

Emily cannot help but find that manipulative.

She cannot help but find her beloved Ali to be just as manipulative as Mona.

[X]

At another lavish breakfast, Pam says passionately, "Don't be a doormat, Em. Don't let them walk all over you. You have every right to stand up to those girls."

"That's the thing. I'm afraid that _I'm_ walking on _them_. I'm afraid that I broke Alison's heart the first time she ever exposed it to someone. I'm afraid that it's my fault that Mona tried to kill herself, just like Ali said."

" _What_ did Ali say?" demands Pam, her eyes aflame.

"Nothing." Emily shakes her head. "She just said that I don't date girls… that I convince them to commit suicide."

" _Em_ ," is all Pam can muster. She is so tired of watching her beloved daughter suffer. It never seems to end for her Emily.

Emily tries not to cry into her food.

"I don't—" She chokes on a sob. "I don't know what to do."

"You don't have to do anything. You don't have to be with one of them or either of them. You don't have to go through what they're putting you through," insists Pam, fire in her eyes.

 _And they don't have to go through what I'm putting them through,_ thinks Emily.

Her eyes still glisten with tears as she pokes at her omelet.

"But I love them. I love them and I don't want to leave them."

"Sometimes, when you love things, the best thing you can do for everyone involved is to let them go," Pam softly states, trying and failing to lock eyes with her daughter.

Emily wipes away her tears with her sleeve.

She will have to see how things turn out; she does not see another option.

[X]

A fight breaks out in the snowy street. When she arrives, Emily does not know what happened. She asked Alison here to discuss their complicated relationship, to meet outside of the Brew on the night Mona does not work. That felt like it would be a DMZ of sorts.

Yet, here they both stand, snarling the cruelest of words at each other.

Alison and Mona move forward at once.

It looks like it will degrade into blows.

Emily lunges in front of Alison and Mona, standing in the middle. She doubts they will attack each other, but the look in their eyes terrifies her enough to inspire the motion.

"What is going on?" Emily screams, snowflakes falling into her mouth as she speaks.

Alison grabs her with frosty fingers. Mona takes an aggressive step forward.

"Ezra asked me to come by tonight. I find _her_ sitting here waiting for you."

"You assumed I was waiting for her."

"It was obvious. I could see that sad puppy dog face you were practicing in your phone's camera," spits Mona and Alison begins to lunge for her again before Emily yet again shoves herself into the middle. "Emily, are you seriously sneaking around me like this? Just be _honest_! For once in your life don't run from your problems by being a _liar_!"

"Yeah! What do you want?" Alison asks Emily, her voice suddenly gentle. "That's what matters right now. Not me and Mona and our grudge. What do _you_ want?"

Mona angrily snarls, "I never thought I would ever say this but I agree with Alison."

Now Emily regrets not bolting out the door at the first sign of this madness.

"I still need to think, okay?" Emily glances between them. "You two better accept that because I'm not changing my mind about it. I need to _think_."

She flees from the scene, snow crunching loudly beneath her black leather boots.

"Run away!" Alison screams after her, throat raw and bloody, voice constricted with pained emotion. "Run away like you always do!"

But Emily does not turn around.

[X]

At a better time, on a better day, with Mona up north visiting Hanna, Emily sits outside of the Brew with Alison. They are alone in the evening, sitting on outside seating in the snow—which few people ever do—and holding two hot chocolates.

"I didn't hear from you since that night with that fight. Have you been thinking?" Alison asks and Emily nods.

Thinking about two things. What her future would look like if she and Alison wed, or what her future would look like if she broke up with Alison today.

"Maybe I should marry you," admits Emily, tightening her grip on her cocoa.

Alison hesitates. She knows this sounds too good to be true.

"I think you already know where I stand on this issue. I want you," sincerely says Ali.

Emily's voice trembles as she nervously pleads, "But you promise… you promise you mean it. You promise you won't leave. You promise this is forever and this is the last time. My first, my last, my everything."

"I guess," eagerly says Alison.

Emily makes her decision in that split second. "I need more than _I guess_. I can't get hurt by you again. Do you understand that? If you're not sure then I'm not sure."

Emily stares at Alison for the longest time.

Alison stares back, and very slowly moves in for a kiss.

Emily backs away before their lips can touch. Alison glowers, then her face softens. Maybe she understands, but Emily cannot take the risk that she does not.

Launching into practiced words, Emily explains, "Somebody is gonna love you. Love you like you put the stars in the sky. You're a person worth loving and a person I loved for a really long time. You have such beauty in you and somebody will see it and hold it and marry you and love you forever. But that person isn't me. She's not me. I'm sorry."

Alison bursts into tears.

Emily hates herself as she walks away.

[X]

When Emily begins to close the Brew for the night, she sees Mona sitting on one of the sofas, her coat discarded beside her. She looks beautiful in the moonlight that pours through the windows.

"You stayed late," remarks Emily, awkwardly adjusting her purse strap on her shoulder. She looks out the window and tries to avoid seeing the girl clearly waiting for her.

Mona stands up and walks to Emily. "This is a lot like the night when we first kissed, isn't it?"

Emily's lips part. "Yeah, I guess it is."

She suddenly is freezing and sweaty at the same time.

Mona approaches closer and closer until Emily feels the heat radiating from the other girl's body in the ice-cold winter night.

"I want you," huskily whispers Mona, a tone of voice Emily has never heard. "I want you right now, and I want you again and again and again. Like we did the other night."

Emily cannot deny that it sounds incredible right now, but Mona has successfully swept Emily up in the moment, made her betray her sanity.

Slowly, Emily shakes her head.

Mona looks as if she was slapped in the face. In fact, she feels like it too.

Agony washes over Emily when she softly says, "It's over, Mona."

Emily only wishes she could summon prettier words to state that ugly truth.

[X]

When Emily wakes up and gets ready in the morning to begrudgingly head to work, she sees someone sitting on the snowy hood of her car. Alison.

"Before you kick me to the curb, okay, I just want you to know that I got you a present." Alison holds up two printed sheets. "A present as friends."

Ali, of course, intends to make Emily love her by the end of the trip. Emily will be hers completely and they will kiss on the Eiffel Tower and Emily will be her bride no matter what Alison must do to force her to that point.

"What are they?" Emily nervously asks.

"Tickets. Plane tickets. To Paris." _Tickets to your destiny as my wife,_ thinks Alison.

Emily stands there mute, tearing skin from her lips with her fingernails. Alison waves the printed papers around a little bit with such flair.

"I'm not eloping with you. We broke up."

"We were _just friends_ for a long time. You said you need to get out of Rosewood, and I see how much pain being here causes you. Tell your mom you're going on a vacation, and the two of us can do all the things we talked about doing when we were kids. No pressure. None at all. I… I got to thinking after you broke up with me. I was too aggressive. I was… competitive. Em, I'm not letting you leave my life just because I wanted you to feel one way about me and you didn't. Please come to Paris with me. Just as friends. Just for a few weeks."

Emily still does not speak. She cannot find the words as she thinks and thinks.

Alison prods, "Arrivals and departures, remember?"

Emily thinks of her last experience in an airport, fleeing college in shame. She thinks about how much she felt she would be trapped forever.

"Yes," she says, taking the risk that she will regret it. " _Yes_."

Alison grins. She looks happier than Emily has ever before seen her.

That feels good, if anything.

They make the arrangements and amplify Emily's anxiety with each moment that passes.

[X]

A week later, on her way to the airport, Emily stops at the Brew. As she drives there, she tries to figure out if she wants Mona to be working or not. Either way, she thinks turning in her keys and her meticulously written letter of resignation will hurt a little bit, regardless of how much she feels relieved when she thinks of leaving Rosewood.

The moment she walks in, Mona stands across from her, chewing on her lower lip.

Emily strides to the counter and sets down the letter for Ezra, then the keys on top of it.

"Quitting?" asks Mona, running her fingertips across the countertop.

"I'm leaving tomorrow," admits Emily, averting her eyes.

"Where?"

"Paris."

"With…?"

"Alison."

"Oh."

Emily hastily rushes into the excuse she rehearsed in the car, "I'm not sure what Ali and I are, but I'm sure I want to leave this town. It's slowly killing me. It has been since—"

"Since she faked her death and put you through Hell."

Emily shocks herself with her harshness when she snaps back, "You put me through Hell too. I didn't want to leave until _A_ happened. I didn't _need_ to…"

Mona changes the subject. "I guess this is goodbye."

"I need to leave Rosewood. I don't… I don't want to leave you. I know I'm gonna sit on that plane and sit in those cafes and hotel rooms and boutiques and wonder—and wonder what it would be like if I drove into the sunset with you instead." Emily pauses, composing herself, because she thinks she may cry. "But if I went with you, I'd spend my whole life wondering if I should've gotten on that plane. She… she just made the offer first."

"First come first serve with the magnificent Emily Fields," snaps Mona. Then she stares at her feet. "I don't want you to leave."

Emily manages to suppress what she wants to say. _Then stop me._

Instead, she says, "I don't think our story is ever going to end. It can't. Who knows."

Mona just smiles and shakes her head.

"Then let's get in your car and go. Let's go and not look back."

"You don't understand. I want to go with her to Paris. She's the—"

"Safe choice?"

"That isn't what I was going to say. I'm not romantically with her. This is just as friends. She's helping me get out of Rosewood."

"Still sounds like the safe choice to me."

"Yeah. Maybe she is the safe choice. Do you have a problem with that?"

Mona's voice trembles, constricted with pained emotion as she says, "A little, but if you want to go for safety instead of whatever whirlwind of weird passion we were, I won't stop you."

"Thanks. I should go." Emily turns and inches away, struggling to lift her feet from the floor.

"Hey, Em," calls Mona and Emily pivots to face her. " _Voulez-vous danser avec moi_?"

" _Oui_ ," Emily says, knowing she is being reckless and stupid but letting herself jump off of this ledge anyway.

Mona withdraws her phone from her purse and sets it on the counter. Goosebumps rise on Emily's skin when she hears the song that begins to play.

"Sway," Julie London, the same song they danced to at Ezra's Halloween Party.

Emily walks to her and presses their sweaty palms together. They sway together, drawing closer and closer with each note.

 _Sway with me. Stay with me._

Emily closes her eyes. Sharp but feminine perfume. Strawberries in her hair. Tremulous motions from both of them.

The song ends.

" _Embrasse-moi_ ," says Mona, holding onto Emily's hand as she begins to step away.

"I don't know what that one means," admits Emily, blushing.

"Kiss me," Mona smoothly translates.

Emily leans closer and dives in for her mouth but changes mid-motion and kisses her on the cheek. She steps away as a disappointed sigh escapes Mona's lips.

"I guess this is goodbye," says Emily, echoing Mona's earlier words. "It's been nice getting to know you. It's been nice having a new friend instead of an old enemy."

Mona nods once. She radiates ice.

"Goodbye, then. You should go before you miss your flight."

Emily lingers for only a heartbeat longer.

"Yeah." And Emily turns and heads to the door, fingers trembling.

It hurts to walk to this door. It is pure agony.

Because, the truth is, in her heart of hearts, she wants Mona to stop her.

But she doesn't; Mona just stands, frozen in place, and coldly watches Emily walk away.

[X]

As they walk into the airport, Alison reaches to hold Emily's hand, but Emily slips her fingers away. It makes Ali rub her lips together, but she keeps her pretty mouth shut.

"Just friends for now, remember?" Emily faintly smiles at her.

They stand in line to get their boarding passes and chat about silly little things. Emily's lips twitch every so often, but Alison still cannot remember the last time she saw Emily Fields truly smile. She decides to make it her mission.

They lug their designer suitcases through the glistening and bustling airport. Alison feels her heart soaring; she could not be more thrilled. Emily feels her heart in her throat; she could not be more sick to her stomach.

Alison tells as many jokes as she can as she and her platonic companion make their lengthy and arduous way through security.

Once they break free of the TSA, they halt and check the screens for their gate number.

Time freezes around Emily as she gazes at the bright, shimmering, neon, flickering boards of arrivals and departures. The memories surge through her like a tsunami. She turns to Alison and tries to form words before merely shaking her head.

Maybe she got it wrong.

Maybe she got arrivals and departures all wrong.

Maybe she got this love triangle all wrong.

"I have to go," Emily says and Alison's eyes widen. "I'm sorry. I have to go."

Emily runs, not taking a moment to process her actions. She does not even notice she has left the airport until she reaches her car and fumbles in her purse for the keys.

She is about to drive to the Brew and pick up Mona when a sudden realization washes over her, and she changes her mind.

Emily does not have to choose. She does not have to fall into this. She does not have to ever play another game for as long as she lives. She does not have to do anything but drive west and see where she winds up.

She refuses to decide between Mona and Alison; she instead decides that this is where she wants this chapter of her life to end. Emily has her money, has her things, has happily parted with her mother and every inch of Rosewood.

A pure, genuine smile sneaks onto her face as she twists the key in the ignition.

Without looking back once, Emily Fields chases the sunset alone.

 **THE END**

* * *

 **A/N:** _As this story progressed, I began to want Emily to choose her own happiness instead of choosing one of the girls warring over her. Anyway, thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed the show. The response to this story has been incredible. Every review made me glow like a reading lamp and I just loved the feedback from the readers and every fave and every follow and every view of each chapter. Thank you for taking this journey with me and thank you for your patience as I wrote it. :D_


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